Catch the Pigeon Killer: Dick Dastardly or Muttley?

This week one of my friends, Jonathon Leslie, was convicted of killing a pigeon and fined £400; and I think there can be no doubt that this casts a gloomy fog over the notion of justice in this town. I have been particularly shocked by some of the sensational comments made on social media sites. It is quite clear that many need to step back from their low fat soya chai lattes, take a deep breath and actually think about what we are dealing with here.

Frankly I cannot comprehend how this case ever came to court. In Scotland, prosecution is conducted by the Procurator Fiscal, who has a responsibility to only take cases to court when it is in the public interest. Charges were brought under the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981 for “killing or taking” a wild bird and, notably, not for animal cruelty. Clearly the letter of this law covers everything from inflicting a slow and painful death on a majestic golden eagle by poison and, well, dispatching a pigeon.

I was there on the night and, as the bird flew up at Jonathan’s face in a dark, confined space he reached out and broke its neck, much to the relief of everyone there. The animal’s death was instant and no different from the way one would slaughter a domestic chicken for the pot (perhaps equivalent force shouldn’t be recommended) and infinitely less painful than the passing of a game bird as it plummets to earth. Vermin – and, let’s face it, pigeons are vermin – can be legally disposed of in much nastier ways. If this case is even worthy of comment, Jonathon should be congratulated for what he has done; instead the Procurator Fiscal has seen fit to set him up for a criminal record and a £400 fine. I’d happily pay him that much to get rid of the gulls that caw by my bedroom window every night.

The fine imposed also makes a mockery of justice. Jonathon also pleaded guilty to drink driving: it is right that he should accept his debt to society for this and remedy it with a £350 fine and disqualification. The fact, however, that something dangerous and irresponsible such as drink driving should receive a lesser fine than this act of pest control brings disrepute upon our criminal justice system.

Quite besides the motives of the Procurator Fiscal, this case must also bring in to question the motives and activities of Fife Constabulary in this town. The cynicism, unprofessionalism and narrow-mindedness of the police towards students in this case were evident from the start. I’ll let it pass that they didn’t even manage to correctly copy my home address from my driving licence, but I really can’t forgive the fact that, when I politely pointed out that the names of various people involved in the case were misspelt in my statement, the retort was: “It’s not University Challenge”. Well, I’ll take this opportunity to say to PC Lister of Fife Constabulary that, actually, I would know (but that’s another story). Together with the fact that I was also asked why I was wearing “a cape” that evening, I think we really need to ask the Constabulary if they have any awareness of the 7,500 students that they’re expected to police and protect, other than that the students enjoy youthful highjinks and have parents with deep pockets. Call centre operatives in India are shown episodes of Eastenders to allow them to have a better understanding of their British customers; I suggest the Constabulary take a leaf out of their book and organise a Force screening of the “William and Kate” movie, at the very least.

And we must ask ourselves, given the recent conviction of John Todd earlier this year of a vicious machete attack in Methil, only fifteen miles away, why there is such a concentration of officers here in St Andrews. Are Fife Constabularly hiding out in St Andrews for the sake of an easy life? How much public money is being wasted on this presence; money which the Scottish Government could be spending on our education while it allows RUK fees to hit £9000? And how much public money, police time, and court time, has been wasted to give Fife Constabulary the satisfaction of throwing the book at Jonathon Leslie?