Association President Candidate: David ‘Fifa’ Gossage

The Stand has interviewed every sabbatical candidate. If you have any other questions that you’d like us to ask them just email us.

Why do you feel that Association President is important to St Andrews?

I’ll be honest with you: It’s a great opportunity to get paid for doing ostensibly very little for a year.

What do you believe makes you especially qualified for the job?

A president needs to be organised, committed and have a winning mentality. These are all skills that I have demonstrated in abundance: over the last four years I have been comfortably the best FIFA player out of all my friends (even when they make me play with Scottish teams).

What are the three main principles that you plan to follow during your year as a Sabb?

I hate it when I’m trying to reset my xbox live password and my inbox is cluttered with annoying union emails. That’s why I promise never to email you ever. In fact, I probably won’t bother turning up to work.

In order to ensure that I can maintain this laissez-faire approach, I intend to increase my personal stipend to be on par with that of Dr. Richardson (c. £240,000 pa). This will ensure I can spend most of my time in warmer, nicer parts of the world.

Finally, we all know that expensive housing is a problem in St. Andrews. But I’ve talked to my mate who is an economics student and reckon I have the solution. Apparently price is a result of supply and demand, so if we bring down demand prices will fall. This is why I propose expelling students whose surnames are after ‘K’ in the alphabet. This is a tad radical I know, but it’s exactly the sort of positive thinking I’ll bring to the job.

If you could make a major change in St Andrews today what would it be?

Let’s be honest. Do you even know what the SSC / SRC are? No, nor do I. That is why I’d get rid of them. There is essentially no debate in St. Andrews that can’t be sorted out by getting a member of the KK and Leftsoc to duke it out (best from 3) on Call of Duty or Fifa. This will also give the KK something to do now they’ve had their toys taken away from them and might stop Leftsoc from tying themselves to more inanimate objects.

Any additional comment or message you’d like us to pass on?

Yes our union looks a bit like a 1960s car park. But I know how to turn it around – by actually turning it into a multi-storey car park! This will bring in all-important funds to pay my stipend and will reduce parking congestion on market Street. Some people might be upset at the lack of a bop on a Friday night, but don’t worry: you can have just as much fun at home by hitting yourself over the head with a brick while listening to awful 90s pop. Set your ringtone as ‘Mr. Brightside’ and when the police call looking for you hours later, your night will be complete!

 (To see all the candidates, click here)

Condiment: Peri-Peri

Pokemon: Exeggcute