How to tell someone you don’t want to live with them

It’s common knowledge that finding a flat in St Andrews is a complete nightmare.  But there is nothing more difficult or awkward than the conversation that nearly everyone has experienced at […]

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It’s common knowledge that finding a flat in St Andrews is a complete nightmare.  But there is nothing more difficult or awkward than the conversation that nearly everyone has experienced at some point during their time at university: the ‘I don’t want to live with you’ chat. This is quite so awkward because you are effectively telling someone, generally someone who considers you a good friend, that you don’t like them. Or at least that you don’t like them enough to live with them, or as much as the people you do want to live with. 

 

Tackling this situation is a tricky business, so here are some tips.

 

1. The Brave Way

 

The ‘I’m just going to say it’ is usually adopted by Freshers who were so insecure that they decided who they were going to live with back in October and now they realise that they actually don’t like that person anymore and have made ‘like, actual friends’. Normally, the recipient is shocked and upset. This tactic is good because the chances of salvaging the friendship are high, since the honesty will be appreciated, however it involves direct confrontation, and that’s never fun.

 

2.  The Overly-Mature Way

 

‘Listen, it’s not going to work out’ is typically met with an equally wooden, ‘Babe, I completely understand, don’t even worry.’ With this method, you run the risk of having them cry on your shoulder because they’re truly devastated. This is a good method for second year girls who have lived together already for a year who can now no longer stand the overly-anal, clean freak who has no idea all her flatmates think she’s a nightmare. This also has a high rate of continued friendship, but if you are unfortunate to be in this situation, you probably don’t want to stay friends with bat-shit-crazy flatmate.

 

3.  The Ostrich Way

 

There’s always avoidance. Just ignore the ‘we need to sort flat stuff’ texts that you get every day, duck behind the vegetable aisle when you see them in Tesco and stop inviting them places. Eventually they’ll get the hint and find new flatmates, hopefully new friends too because what you just did to them wasn’t cool – nobody deserves that. Shame on you.

 

4.  The Substance-Induced Emotional Way

 

You could always get them drunk and have an emotional bonding session before blurting out that you don’t want to live with them. In this scenario there can be a lot of tears, and stories like ‘you’re my best friend and I’m worried that if we live together that would get ruined.’ Or some twisted version of events where you are being forced to live with other people when really you want to live with them. For the record, no one ever believes these stories, but they pretend they do for the sake of your friendship, at least for now.

 

5. The Fait Accompli Way

 

There’s the casually-drop-into-conversation that you are living with other people and hope that they do not question this but get the hint. This way, there’s no awkward conversation. It is likely however, that you will damage their self-esteem, possibly permanently since they will get no explanation of why you have excluded them from your plans. Also, you run the risk of having them corner you when they are drunk, and have the confidence to ask you ‘why don’t you like me, WHY!?’

 

6. The Stir-The-Pot Way

 

If you don’t mind ruining the friendship permanently, you could pick a fight and have a huge falling out, and make them believe that they’re a terrible person. For example, have one of your friends tell them that the guy that they were grinding on in The Lizard is actually the love of your life and that you are really hurt by the disgusting, animalistic display they shared. Get them to throw in phrases like ‘that wasn’t cool,’ and ‘what you did was out of order’. That way it’ll get blown out of proportion so that they start to believe that it was really bad, will find other people to live with since they can’t even look at you because they are so wracked with guilt. This method is not to be used if the person you don’t want to live with is a blabbermouth because as soon as other people hear about this, they will think you are an utter head-case who will get absolutely no action for the rest of our St Andrews days, and be dubbed ‘that clingy psychopath.’

 

7. The ‘It’s Not You, It’s Me’ Way

 

I don’t recommend this particular technique, and feel repulsed at what I am about to suggest. Allow your standard of personal hygiene to lower dramatically – I’m talking cutting your toenails in the kitchen, not flushing the toilet and using the kitchen table as the bin. Your flatmate will be so revolted that the roles will be reversed and they will be faced with the dilemma of having to break the news that living with you is like living on a rubbish tip. Downsides of this method are that it’s rather exhausting having to uphold such a performance all the time, plus you may end up in a one bedroom flat alone because no one wants to live with the disgusting pig that picks their nose in public.

 

If you are lucky enough to be in a situation where you don’t have to tell anyone you don’t want to live with them, you should be afraid. The chances are your potential flatmates are all together right now, munching on Chinese food, deciding the best way to tell you they don’t want to live with you.

 

 

Written by Natalie Marwick, understand writer

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