Ben Isle: Size matters…

Ben Isle is The Stand‘s newest columnist. We didn’t ask him to write for us… he kind of insisted. Something about ‘not depriving St Andrews students of the joys of his intellectual prowess’ or something like that. Anyway, below is his brief bio followed by his first column.

(We apologise in advance.) 

“Student Journo. Investigative maverick. Razor-sharpened columnist. I have big ambitions, but don’t worry I’m not trying to compensate for anything. Hoping to become a writer for The Guardian, or The Telegraph, or one of the other papers.”

‘Gosh, that’s a big knob!’ ‘Those are massive knockers!’ No, I’m not talking about penises and breasts. I’m talking about doorknobs, the sort that you get on bedroom doors and bathroom doors and other types of doors. William Shakespeare once said “I want a really massive knob,” but he never wrote it down. As a nation, doorknobs have always fascinated us. Recently, however, I have noticed a massive change in the sizes of doorknobs. Yes, that’s right doorknobs are getting wider. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I certainly have!  

Just looking around my flat I noticed 50% of the doorknobs were actually larger than the average size of a doorknob within our flat itself. This seems shocking but it is not at all surprising. Changes in culture show the widening of objects across the board. It seems that our society thinks ‘bigger is better.’ This widening attitude can be seen in a number of areas of modern life, from wider 4×4 cars, to wide-screen TVs, to the increasing trend in painting landscape rather than portrait pictures.

The IMF recently reported nothing about doorknobs, which seems a massive shame. Is the government intent on glossing over our countries knob problems? Are the government hoping we won’t notice the widening gap between those who can and those who cannot afford wider doorknobs; the haves and the have-knobs? I’m not suggesting socialism, but I would like to suggest a compromise. 

Clearly celebrity culture has had a massive impact on doorknob width trends. You need only look at programmes such as MTV Cribs where celebrities show off their lavish over-sized, over-polished, over-large doorknobs. However, extremely wide doorknobs have not always been an element of our existence. In medieval times, it is possible that common people would fasten the fist of a dead relative onto a door to use as a knocker. Now I’m not suggesting that we go back to those times. However, I would like to suggest that we do go back in time. 

Decades ago doorknobs just weren’t a problem. In days gone by anyone could have any size of doorknob and not be humiliated. We all know we go into a friend’s house and silently critique puny pigmy doorknobs in shades of tacky pewter and thank heavens for our classy, rustic, wooden and (most of all) sizable knobs, but why? It is impossible to say. On the one hand it could be the influence of photoshopped media images of ever widening doorknobs. On the other hand it could be nothing to do with this.

Maybe next time you see a doorknob think about what’s made you think about the size of that knob and maybe think again. Over and Out. Ben.