A man’s guide to hats

As the ice and wind have returned to St Andrews, I have found myself in a peculiar, yet predictable, predicament; my inability to pull off any sort of winter hat. […]


As the ice and wind have returned to St Andrews, I have found myself in a peculiar, yet predictable, predicament; my inability to pull off any sort of winter hat. As with most of my problems, I tend not to see the issue lying with myself, but with society. I personally believe that winter hats are designed to make males less attractive to all other forms. It’s a natural selection used by companies to separate the men (who can bear the cold) from the boys (who need hats and will therefore produce weaker offspring).

 

I know what you’re thinking, “Parker, my hat looks cool, what are you talking about?”

 

No, it doesn’t. We have come to university to lift our ‘veil of ignorance’, to get rid of the so-called false conscious. ((Or at least this is what I have been led to believe) – Did you get that? That was a false conscious joke inside a false conscious joke). Until you come to grips with the fact that your hat is in fact not ‘cool’, you will never attain full enlightenment. Or a date.

 

Unfortunately, I have fallen victim to this vicious cycle and instead of moving on from hats, I have instead tried to find the perfect one. This has not only left me with a room full of shit hats, but it has also put me in the ideal position to write a review of such hats.

 

THE BEANIE.  First of all I would just like to ask if the word ‘beanie’ bothers anyone like it does me? It’s like when people refer to the ‘1413’. However, that’s beside the point. Beanies make up a large majority of winter hats on both male and females in St Andrews and come in many varieties.

 

Tight Beanie – This hat screams “I don’t care how I look today, it’s Scotland, and I’m cold, get over it.” However, besides making the back of your head look smaller than it should be, tight beanies also come in a variety of annoying colours and knits that seem to say, “I know I said I didn’t care what I looked like earlier, but I still care a little.” Not only do you send a mixed message with this choice, but when the beanie comes off, you end up with hair that resembles the shape of a bowl and everyone is wondering why you’re wearing a cap that doesn’t fit over your ears.

 

Oversized Beanie – The oversized beanie was obviously created to hold back your dreads as you took long drags of your doobie in the Bob Marley Museum outside of Kingston. This is why I am left wondering how the oversized trend took the Hipster/Indie community by storm. Considering that most purchasers of these so-called ‘hats’ do not have the dreads to fill the extra space provided, it’s odd to think that you would buy more hat than you need. Are you planning for growth?

 

Bill Beanie – I have fallen into this trap before. My decision was as follows. “Well, my head is too big for a tight beanie, and I don’t have enough hair for an oversized beanie, so I might as well look like a snowboarder by buying one with a bill on it. “Snowboarders are cool, right?” I walked around with this thing for a year until my friend’s relentless mockery and slap of reality made me give it up. It was only then that I realized the ridiculousness of the thing. As men, we’re supposed to be practical. So please, don’t act like the little bill keeps sun out of your eyes. We all know you just bought a beanie with a piece of cardboard sewn in so you could turn it slightly to the side.

 

Peruvian Beanie/Bobble Beanie – Not much to be said here. I guess if you want to look like a Canadian elf you should purchase a Peruvian Beanie. At the end of the day, the only acceptable Bobble or Peruvian beanie are the ones from Steve Zissou in The Life Aquatic. However, I have heard others describe them as ‘trying too hard’, like the Single-in-St-Andrews girl.

 

THE TRAPPER HAT. Trapper hats have been a staple of winter wear for literally thousands of years. And even after thousands of years, no man has managed to pull one off.

 

Soviet Trapper Hat (with or without the Red Star) – “Bro, check out my new Soviet Trapper Hat, isn’t it cool?” “No, you paid for it and you look like an idiot.” These hats fall into the same category as all other political wear. People don’t care what you believe and for that matter what’s on your shirt. You’re not going to change anyone’s opinion with your £35 Che Shirt, £20 pound Russian Trapper with the Soviet Star, £25 Camo pants, and £50 pound combat boots.

 

All other Trappers – These are useful things to keep around if you need a costume for a party because they make you look like a puppy. I guess if looking like a dog is your thing, go for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE FLAT CAP.

 

Winter flat cap with ear flaps – Sure it’ll keep you warm, but I still can’t decide if you’re trying to look like a ’20s paper boy or an artsy dude. Either way, the flat cap screams “I’m trying to be ‘St Andrews’ and it’s not working out.”

 

Winter flat cap without flaps – Why are you wearing this? It’s not keeping your head warm.

 

I know at the end of the day a guy isn’t supposed to particularly care what he’s wearing. As long as he doesn’t come off like an ass, he should be fine. Which is why I always advise to steer clear of winter hats, otherwise you will end up like me, purchasing a new winter hat every year, to look more and more like a tool.

 

 

Written by Parker Burns, standout writer