Ask Amelie: Lecturer crushes

the stand introduces its resident Agony Aunt:

Dear Amelie,

I’m in love with my lecturer. I feel restless and dizzy, and probably won’t get any sleep tonight. What should I do? Please help me Amelie, I don’t think I can handle this torment much longer!

Sleepless in St Andrews

Dear Sleepless in St Andrews,

It sounds like indigestion. But in all seriousness, I understand your problem and have developed some coping strategies. Follow my foolproof step-by-step guide and Dr. Dreamboat will be yours in no time.

Step 1: Make your existence known to him. Pause to needlessly adjust your shoelaces outside his door when you know he has office hours, or conveniently drop books in his path. Alternatively, have business cards made simply stating your name and scatter them about the town. You will be registered in his subconscious, laying the foundations for a long and fruitful relationship.

Step 2: Make yourself as conspicuous as possible in his vicinity by flapping your arms and whimpering to yourself. He will be sure to notice your whimsical presence and promptly cross the road to process this remarkable sight. Remember, any attention is good attention.

Step 3: Write him a song/poem/novella or choreograph an interpretive dance to positively channel your emotions. In the event that he finds out about this, he will be astounded by your artistic capabilities.

Step 4: When the time comes for you to engage in conversation (a chance encounter in Taste, perhaps), nod your head emphatically when he is talking and try to keep your mouth closed. Always carry a well-thumbed copy of Sartre or Camus, strategically casting it aside by your fair-trade cocoa-based drink (best to avoid coffee-induced halitosis and giddiness).

Step 5: Let’s be honest, we can skip the rest. Congratulations on your impending marriage, 2.4 children, Yorkshire Terrier and damp walking holidays in the Lake District.

Please note: I am obliged to inform you that neither the stand nor the University of St Andrews condones any activity which constitutes “stalking” under Scottish law. Restraining orders are a serious matter and infraction is punishable by law.

love,

Amelie

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