Oh my bog! Your guide to the best bathrooms on Avenue and Highfield campus

I tried toilets all across campus so you don’t have to


Whether you call them toilets, bogs, or bathrooms, when nature comes a-calling, we all like a nice place to take a pleasant dump. But the fact remains, no one wants to shit on campus.

However, should you find yourself stranded, high-and-dry, miles from your home bowl, then I have compiled for you a guide to the best bathrooms on campus, rated out of 5 for overall cleanliness, atmosphere and practicality.

Grab your toilet roll, pop a squat on your porcelain throne, and settle in for Soton uni: Battle of the Bogs.

Avenue Campus

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I ventured into a couple of bathrooms at Avenue and they both gave me a similar impression. The dull lighting coupled with the hazy sea-blue panelling teeters between serene and unsettling. On the plus side, this was quite a spacious bathroom. Just make sure you wipe the pissy seat before you get too comfortable.

Rating: 3/5

Stags

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I have never used the bathroom below Stags while sober, and for good reason. If it wasn’t on the university campus, I'd suspect that I could be stabbed in there. The unconventional looking toilets reminded me of an aeroplane bathroom, while the bars over the windows and how cold it was reminded me of a prison. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need a pint or five.

Rating: 2/5

Student Union/The Cube

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This one felt a lot like Stags. The metal urinal is the same and the space feels the same, except for the fact that it’s orange, obnoxiously so. If you’re averse to the colour orange, then this is not the bog for you. I was also surprised to find one of the stall doors didn’t lock, which was a concern seeing that there were only two cubicles. But I was impressed to see that, like Stags, it was stocked with prophylactics and mints – go for a shit, stay for the condoms and tic tacs.

Rating: 2/5

Hartley Level Two

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The Hartley Library is the campus’ beating heart of academia and its second-floor bathroom is a true asset to its reputation. Whether you need to take time from studying to crap or cry, this bathroom is a well-heated refuge. It even comes equipped with Dyson Airblade hand-driers. Sure, the colour scheme could use a little more panache, but is there really a right colour for a bathroom? Apart from walking through the library's lobby with a piece of toilet-paper stuck to my shoe, this was a pleasurable visit.

Rating: 4.5/5

Nuffield Theatre

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I decided to introduce an underdog into the mix, and I settled on the unlikely Nuffield Theatre. My expectations for this one going in were quite high. Even in such a small building, the gents were a bit hard to find, but that wasn’t my only gripe. Upon entering, I was hit with the stench of cleaning products and shit. Plus, this was an uncomfortably small bathroom. There were however ribbed condoms on sale for any frisky thespians. On the upside, for the duration I was there, nobody else came in. This is one for the self-conscious shitters.

Rating: 2.5/5

Centenary Building

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My public bathroom induced anxiety was set-off in this bathroom by the cubicle doors, which blended seamlessly into the walls making them hard to locate immediately. My first impression was that the bathroom itself was a bit grim, especially for a spanking new building. The stall doors do however extend from the ceiling to the floor though which was a welcome change, and the toilet lids are soft-close. Despite these small luxuries, the headline here is: don’t believe the hype. Maybe there will be a better bathroom in another 100 years?

Rating: 3.5/5

Health Sciences/Nightingale Building

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This was a thoroughly average bathroom and had no real qualities which stood out above the rest. I was however impressed to see that there was information about Nightline and checking for testicular cancer on the stall doors. Then again, I would expect nothing less from health sciences. This would make a fine, if not uninspiring place to defecate.

Rating: 4/5

Building 32

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This big, glass behemoth is home to Education and Electronics and Computer Science, as well as a pleasant and vibrant bathroom. The space is decorated in bright green throughout and is very spacious. Each stage of the process of going to the bathroom has its own dedicated area. The urinals are separate from where you wash your hands which I had not come across on campus until now. The only thing that kept this bathroom from reaching a five however were the hand-driers which were like trying to dry your hands under a fart.

Rating: 4.5/5

Would I rather shit in a bush than in some of the bathrooms on campus? Maybe. But at least now, you won’t have to. One of these might suit you, but there are plenty of bogs on campus, so go off menu, find one that works best for you. Just don’t forget to wash your hands on the way out.