Here are the 13 things I’d do if I was a boy for 24 hours
There’s so much I need to understand
Often when my guy friends come round to my all-girl uni house they catch us mid-conversation, talking about periods, sex stories, painful boobs, hormones, shaving issues, tampons, etc. They sit there in silence because they "can't relate". Very true, they often can't relate because they don't have vaginas or wombs which tend to be at the core of the above topics.
But this got me thinking, I also often can't relate to boys. I have no idea what it's like to have something hanging between my legs for my WHOLE LIFE, nor what blue balls feels like or what it's like putting a razor near my face.
These thoughts fascinated me and my girl friends, so we started brainstorming all the things we'd do if we had the chance to be a boy for only 24 hours. This is what we came up with.
1. Have a wank
An obvious one. It seems to be on the top of most guys' priority lists and, let's say, the 24 hours as a boy would start when I wake up in the morning, so I'd probably have a hard-on, right?
All of the girls I spoke to have touched guys' dicks before, so it's not so much the action of doing it that we're interested in, but instead what it would feel like doing it to yourself and the sensation of something shooting out of you with such force – wow.
2. Helicopter my dick
Not sure if any other girls who have been in long-term, overly comfortable relationships can relate to this, but this is something I was once allowed to do to my ex, and something I would spend most of my 24-hours-as-a-boy doing, because it was so fun.
To any horrified boys reading this: girls have no body part that is even remotely similar to a penis. I'd say this is the equivalent to boys saying they'd play with their boobs all day if they were a girl.
3. Walk around the house in my boxers with my hands down my pants
Something that anyone with brothers or boyfriends will understand – boys walk round the house in pants and will happily sit with their hands down their boxers, even if their mates are there.
Honestly, if I walked into my living room in underwear and my hands down my pants, my friends would assume I was going through an early mid-life crisis. Yet boys just don't care, and tbh it's so warm down there, I really don't blame them – if I was them, I would do it.
4. Chat a girl up
As a girl, who's been chatted up very badly too many times, I think I could do this very well. No stupid name puns, no dead "hey b, u alright?", no fun facts about myself!
5. Wash my balls
Perhaps one of the more rogue suggestions but let me explain. A warm shower and bubbles – it's like your own personal shower toy and at the end of it they'll actually smell great (which is something girls rarely get to experience).
6. Have sex
The ever-continuing debate on who has better orgasms? What sex positions are better for men or women? Well this is my chance to find out. Not only this, but what's doggy like for a boy? What's it like when the girl goes on top – surely all I have to do is lay there? Spooning position? 69?!! So many questions to answer in just 24 hours.
7. Go to the gym, lift weights and make loud grunting noises
Next time you go to the gym, take a moment to remove your headphones and have a listen. All you'll be able to hear is boys grunting. And only boys. Not because the girls aren't lifting heavy enough weights to grunt, but because for some reason boys feel the need to let everyone in the room know they're working really hard by going "ERGH!!"
Well you know what? I want to have a go. As part of my day as a boy, I would walk into the gym, pick up a mediocre weight, grunt and pull a face like I'm mid-coming, mid-shitting myself.
8. Shave my face
For this to work, I would ideally need to wake up as a boy with a beard. Then I can experience having hair on my face which is half the excitement. Then, I can rub shaving cream on my cheeks and shave it all off, changing my appearance completely and leaving me with a smooth face. Amazing!
9. Go to the club with five minutes to get ready
Oh, what a dream! The amount of times me and my mates are sat on the sofa with greasy hair, a peeling face mask, no outfit and zero energy. We look jealously at our guy mates, who can walk straight from the library into the club. The most they need is a ten minute shower and they're done.
As a guy, I'd keep the same jeans, t-shirt and jumper on that I'd been wearing all day, spray myself with some deodorant and head-on-out.
10. Go for a wee
I remember when I was three-years-old and I saw my brother wee standing up and I was like "what the fuck, why have I never done that?" so in nursery the next day, I gave it a go and my teacher saw me and told me off (tbf I was making a mess).
Well, ever since that day, I've always slightly resented the fact that I can't successfully pee standing up. So, I'd go for a lot of wees in my 24 hours as a man – in urinals, maybe in the sink, behind a tree, aimed into a cup even? The opportunities are endless.
11. Experience the boys toilets
Along with the ease of standing up and weeing, I also find it fascinating that boys have to stand next to strangers with their dicks out to go for a piss. All my guy mates say they don't look because "it's just normal to them now" but how can you not?
This world is something I've never experienced and never will, so if I could be a boy for a day, I'd head straight to the male toilets.
12. Run up and down the stairs with freedom
Amen to this. Big boobs or small boobs, bra or no bra, ever since I went through puberty I haven't run up and down the stairs in peace. It hurts so much and feels like my boobs are going to be at my knees by the end. As a boy, I would run everywhere, jump, lay on my front, the whole deal, without any qualms.
13. Get kicked in the balls
Sorry boys, I know reading this one probably made you squirm a bit and I know it also makes me sound like a weird, sadistic freak. This would be one of the final things I would want to experience, and purely to know what it actually feels like. Boys say it's the most painful experience in the world, their mothers argue it's child birth, but how can we ever tell? This is how.