Every type of fuckboy you’ll meet on a night out in Soton
Be warned ladies
Its common knowledge that you've got to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince and these frogs are in abundance at uni. They're always there on a night out, waiting, ready to ruin your life and give you a night of truly underwhelming intercourse.
In order to minimise the amount of frogs (fuckboys) you've got to wade through, equip yourself with this knowledge of what to avoid.
The Emotional Manipulator
You'll inexplicably fall in love with these commitmentphobes in your first term and still sort of fancy them until you're about 32. There's no reason for this, however, because they're not even that fit or interesting.
They'll keep stringing you along and giving you false hope until you get your "thank u next" on and say boy bye.
Often found in Jesters and Sobar looking enigmatic under the smoking area lights.
Bedroom skills: 9/10 (sexgods)
The Desperate One
Verging on becoming a nymphomaniac, these are the most common of the fuckboys, although the least successful.
Also the most intense of the fuckboys; they will superlike you on Tinder and heart emoji every Instagram story you post of yourself. They send out 'u up? x' texts like its going out of fashion – which it is definitely not.
Their days are spent wondering around Hartley Library in grey sweatpants dreaming of the moment when they see their initials pop up on Crushampton.
They can be found trying to catch a dutty whine off of you in the Switch bunker (the fuckboy HQ of Southampton). By the end of the night they'll be in Charcoal Grill devouring a garlic mayo and chips with the same tragic desperation they exert when chatting up girls.
Bedroom skills: 4/10 (selfish)
They may have broken up with you in first year but they're still there, lurking behind you on the Sobar dance floor – ready to buy you quadvods in the hope that it will make you wanna sleep with him again.
Just as you're getting over him, he returns ready to tell you he misses you. But he's still not ready to get back together – not ready to let go of the other girls he's now texting.
Can be found giving you bedroom eyes across the Oceana cheese room dance floor.
Bedroom skills: 6/10 (been there done that)
These ketty boys have so many chemicals swimming round their heads, they've lost the ability to form an engaging conversation and are therefore extremely boring. They do, however, have such a sexy vibe you just can't resist them.
Can be found at Sobar and Switch exclusively searching out girls in edgy flares.
Bedroom skills: 7/10 (if they can keep it up)
Fresh out of Mayflower and the South East of England, these boys think they're God's gift to women.
A frequenter of Portswood Waitrose, their fancy-pants post-night out chicken goujons are a major selling point for going home with these fuckboys.
Usually found with a tie on their head to show you they don't take life too seriously, they're just a regular guy – but ew go away you state schoolers.
They're most likely part of a society like rowing or rugby, posting their monthly photo with Tariq Manzils on snapchat with the caption 'my boy Tariq'.
Can be found standing around at Oceana and Switch, waiting for the hunnies to come to him.
Bedroom skills: 5/10 (average af)
If you're enough Jesticles deep, you might actually get with this boy but most of the time they're unsuccessful at pulling.
They come to uni with the sole intention of increasing their body-count. When he manages to bring a girl home, he'll most likely brag to all his friends about getting with her when in reality he was fast asleep before she even got through the door.
If you go home with one, you'll realise they never left halls and will be met with both the profound regret of going home with him and the trauma of being back in a Wessex Lane kitchen – makes me shudder.
Often spotted at Oceana and Jesters, following the lead of their alpha fuckboy.
Bedroom skills: 3/10 (all the gear, no idea)