Here are Soton freshers’ most tragic sex confessions
What are you lot like…
A big part of being a fresher is that you're going to meet loads of new people, drink an impressive amount, experiment and probably have a lot of sex.
Sex is awkward, clumsy and embarrassing at the best of times, so mix this with too much alcohol, exhaustion, illness and tiny, squeaky beds and certain things are bound to go wrong.
With this in mind, we decided to ask first years for their worst freshers' sex confessions. It's fair to say you lot definitely didn't disappoint!
My mate left a poo on her one night stand's kitchen counter with a post-it note saying 'call me x'
After Wednesday sports night, my mate decided to go back to a guy's halls. They spent the night together and in the morning he reassured her that she’s welcome to stay, have some breakfast and let herself out because he had training early in the morning. So she did.
She had an enjoyable lie-in and breakfast, and eventually realised she needed a poo. She went to his toilet and lo and behold, the toilet didn’t flush. She panicked and, naturally, decided her only option was to pick it out with a plastic bag and dispose of it some other way.
When she went into his kitchen, she placed the plastic bag on the side and thought she’d leave him an enticing note saying "call me x". As she left, the flat door closed behind her and locked (as most halls doors do). It was then that she realised she had left a bag of her shit next to an enticing note that said "call me x" on his counter.
'You might feel the coil'
I took a girl back to mine and she mentioned she had recently had the coil put in and this was the first day she could shag after getting it. We start getting close, things start getting steamy and just before penis and vagina meet, she looks at me and says "you might feel the coil". The uncomfortable image of my dick coming into contact with a strange object inside her overwhelmed me and I flopped.
I threw up minestrone soup on his dick
It was Freshers' Week and I was seriously struggling with freshers' flu so decided to have minestrone soup for dinner. Later on, I’m chilling in my halls and got a bit horny, so I texted this guy to come round.
He arrives, we get down to business and things start heating up. It comes to the point where I’m going down on him, and I’m ready to make it a good one. Getting into it, I deep throat and go a little too "deep". I hit my gag reflex and my minestrone soup comes back up into my mouth, which is also around his dick.
Too embarrassed and shocked, I quickly swallowed the concoction of soup and sperm in my mouth. He never clocked and he still doesn’t know.
His bed had been marinating in my wee all weekend
One Friday night, my mate decided to bring a girl back to his halls for a good ol' fresher’s one night stand. After a glorious night of passion, he admitted he was going home in the morning but said the girl is welcome to lie in and let herself out later.
After a fun-filled weekend at home, the boy returns to his flat and realises it doesn’t smell too great, in fact, it absolutely stinks. He searches through his room to find what mouldy piece of food he must of left out to cause such an ungodly smell. After pulling his bed cover back, he learns his Friday night shag had pissed his bed… and his bed had been marinating in it ALL weekend.
Sick all over my face, hair, and his bed
I went to my first house party in first year. As a fresher, house parties are rare and mean lots of second and third years – so this was very exciting and a bit scary.
When I arrived, there were hundreds of people there, including this mysterious looking boy who kept smiling at me. My mate decided she wanted to leave but I decided to stay and talk to smiley guy.
I was very nervous so drank LOTS of vodka. Me and the boy got chatting, I drank some more, we did some snogging (v nice), I drank some more. We decided to go back to his, did some more snogging, I drank some more. The last thing I remember is throwing up in his toilet.
I woke up in the morning in his bed, alone, with my shoes on??? Sick all over my face, hair and his bed. I ran out of his room and found him asleep on the sofa so I grabbed my stuff and left.
I imagine he discovered me chundering that night, thought "fuck that" and left me to sleep (and vom) in his bed. I haven’t seen him since.
Fashioned himself a robe out of a bin bag for the worst walk of shame ever
A second year guy had gone back to a first year halls bedroom. In the morning he needed the loo but couldn't find his clothes and so chanced it, quickly nipping out stark naked. Problem was, after he'd been out for a wee he couldn't remember what bedroom was the girls he was staying with.
Instead of suffering the embarrassment of having to knock on a number of freshers' doors with zero clothes on him, he went into the kitchen and fashioned himself a robe out of a bin bag and walked himself home. Hero.
Watching us go at it on all the counters
One cold winters evening in first year, I was staying with a Solent girl in her rented flat. The central heating was broken, so we decided to move the mattress into the kitchen, whack the oven on and open the door. A very toasty night as I recall.
Unfortunately, with the light on, a lack of blinds and her kitchen being opposite the car parks by Orange Rooms club – it was far too late when I clocked some dude in a black Mercedes who had been watching us go at it on all the counters.
Strangest dirty talk I've ever heard
It's 4am in the club. Most people have left but I'm still standing and I'm in search of a shag. A girl came up to me, said I was fit and asked "do you want to fuck?" – I said yes and we went back to mine.
I noticed this girl was definitely older than me, being 26 compared to me being a mere 19-year-old fresher. Either way, I was into her so we started having sex, at which point she looked me dead in the eyes and admitted "I'm engaged". I was perturbed but not put off. We carried on having sex and she then goes onto explain how much she hates her fiancee and that she wants me to finish inside her.
Strangest dirty talk I've ever heard but either way I managed it!
I left a boy from Portsmouth stranded in the middle of my halls in Southampton
I was at Switch, a club in Southampton, and my best mate was getting with someone and this made me a bit sad, because I wanted a boy. So the boy my best mate was with found me a boy. As a four we went back to our halls, they went off to do their business and I took my boy back to my tiny bedroom.
We started smooching, having sex and half way through he went to the toilet. I then realised I don’t want to have sex with this boy so pretended my best mate (who was currently being bonked by another boy) was having a panic attack instead. I told the boy I needed to go find her, so we walked out into the courtyard of our halls (shoutout to South Hill).
I was trying to think of a way I could leave the guy without it being awkward. I started looking through my phone, pretending to answer her texts (that didn’t exist) and said to the boy "I need to find her room". He then looked around, and as soon as he did… I ran away and left the poor boy stranded. Unfortunately for him he lived in Portsmouth.