13 things that will defo happen when your mate from home comes to visit Soton
It never really goes to plan
It's the moment you've been waiting for all year – a chance to show your mates at home a glimpse of your other life at the University of Southampton.
They've seen all your endless Snapchat stories of you cosying up to your new mates and heard you go on and on about all your favourite clubs, and now they're about to experience the real thing.
You want to give them the best impression possible, but there are some things that will just inevitably go wrong.
They'll demand you go to Oceana
Apparently having their very own Atik/Pryzm/Oceana in their hometown just isn't enough for them, because they'll want to see the Southampton variation. Spoiler alert: it's very similar to all the others – shit.
All your uni mates will inevitably flake
After boasting non-stop about all the wild nights out you've been on with your flatmates who are "absolute mentalists", your mate from home will arrive at pres to find all your flatmates in their pyjamas.
They'll decide to opt for a quiet night in the ONE TIME you made them promise to go to a Jester's Monday. No doubt they'll suddenly be up for going to Sobar the day after your mate leaves.
They'll think Switch is the dog's bollocks
Take them to a Juiced Friday or Switch event and their Snapchat story will be filled with videos of house remixes and flashing lights. If you have a particularly tragic mate, they might even go live on Facebook.
They'll think Portswood is a shit-hole
Also, they'll question why there is an abandoned Blockbuster.
Your flatmates will roast you in front of them
"We're honestly soooo close like we never argue" you'll tell your mate on the U1A back from the station. However, as soon as you get in the house, your flatmates will take the opportunity to carry out an absolute character assassination on you.
Your mate from home will stand there awkwardly while all your flatmates gang up on you, complaining about how you never take the bins out, clean the dishes and how long it takes you to get ready, etc, etc.
They'll be extremely confused by the idea of Manzil's
"A sit-down curry at 2am? After a night of heavy drinking? Surely not…"
Poor souls will be sat there in a state of absolute confusion when the rugby boys start lobbing curry at each other and everyone starts singing the outdated chart music that's bursting through the speakers.
You'll take them to West Quay…and then run out of things to do
It's advised you only invite them down for twenty-four hours or you will struggle to keep them entertained. Maybe a nice brisk walk round the common?
Extra points if they come around Christmas and you get to take them to the Christmas Market, though.
You won't make it to the club
Knowing your luck, the day your mate is here will be the one time you KO at pres and fail to make it out.
You'll screw up the dinner
"I'm soooo good at cooking now I actually make some really nice meals" you told your mate, in pure confidence that you couldn't possible screw up the spag bol that you've made from your Nosh book a million times.
Yet this time you will have forgotten to put the oven on, burnt the mince, or forgotten that your mate is actually a veggie now.
You'll take them to Trago Lounge, 7 Bone and/or Sprinkles…
…in order to redeem yourself for the terrible meal you cooked for them the night before. Also, to show them that Portswood Road isn't really that bad.
They'll try and be nice about the state of your student house
"It's really not that bad…it's actually quite cosy" they'll say unconvincingly, then a year later admit that they were afraid they'd catch something in that place.
They'll either love or hate Jesters
They've heard all the myths and rumours about this crazy, cheap club in Southampton, dubbed "the worst club in the UK" and home to the notoriously disgusting "Four Corner Challenge".
They might express a certain fear or unease about visiting such a place, but give them a Jesticle and they'll be whipping their top off to Baywatch in no time.
OR they'll spend the whole time slathering themselves with hand sanitiser, leave crying and never speak to you again. Hopefully, you know your mate long enough by now to know which of these they might be.
They will ask what a Jesticle is
Order them a Jesticle and watch their face turn to disgust when they ask "What, like, a testicle?"
One sip is all it takes.