Every type of fuck boy you’ll meet as defined by your Soton halls
We’ve all experienced at least one
The beginning of uni is a daunting time for everyone. People offer first-years various pieces of advice on how to make friends, how to stay organised, how to deal with homesickness, etc. But no one explains how you avoid the sweet-talking, soul-destroying fuckboy.
Most girls enter halls with the hope that, just maybe, they'll find an outstandingly sexy, funny, nice guy who sweeps them off their feet and gives them the time of their life on the first night, while the rest of their mates are drunk-crying for their dog. However, this usually ends badly.
With this in mind, it seems only fair that first-years should know exactly what fuckboys to watch out for and where to find them.
The basic fuckboy.
These are one of the more dangerous fuckboys becasuse he'll take you by surprise. You think you've seen every breed of fuckboy until Mr. Chamberlain comes along in his Superstars, sweatshirt and jeans. He seems safe – he's friendly, attractive (in that basic kind of way) and maybe even intelligent but he'll also probably give you a half-average night and still manage to fuck you over.
They go to lectures in cargo pants, baggy t-shirts and Air Max, and when they walk past, they won't see you because they'll be too engrossed in their stupidly loud music, which you'll probably be able to hear.
If they're not outside their halls smoking, you'll probably find them lurking around the area, appearing to have no purpose or responsibilities other than creating their 15th Spotify playlist of the day.
If you end up going home with a Glen Eyre fuckboy, be warned, he'll probably be so full of illegal substances, he won't be able to keep it up…
The 'might as well be wearing a shirt saying fuckboy' fuckboy.
He'll probably be rich, which will be obvious by his Stone Island coat, Nike trainers and flawless haircut that he gets groomed every other week. He'll also be a gym fanatic, so you can almost certainly find him flexing his muscles, while checking out girls' arses in Mayflower gym.
Just look for the boy that comes to uni telling all the girls that smoking and drugs are disgusting, and that protein shakes and treadmills are all he needs to have a good time and then, within the first week, be snorting god-knows-what up his shnoz and telling everyone that 'bassline is SICK!'.
The gross fuckboy.
Bencaft halls were so disgustingly warn out that the University decided to let them go and close them down. However, be warned, the fuckboys produced in this radioactive enviroment grew up to be STI-filled second and third years, so if the word Bencraft slips out his mouth, make sure to book yourself an appointment with the South Hans walk-in clinic ASAP…
The confusing fuckboy.
The boys in Liberty are split between the friendly, stylish ones who are seriously into their music, or the quiet, slightly unnerving ones who sit in their rooms all day doing work and playing computer games.
You'll know which type of boy you've ended up in bed with depending on whether his desk is covered with speakers and decks, or lube and a pack of tissues.
The agressively sporty fuckboy.
Wessex Lane boys are usually into sports, so you'll find him in Oceana on a Wednesday, shouting rugby chants in everyone's faces, covered in sweat and badly skanking to 'House Every Weekend'…
If he takes you home, he'll probably admit to having some weird fetish and will most definitely post in his 'LADS' group chat that he managed a 'good bonking'…
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