Southampton’s most eligible bachelor: HEAT ONE

Get your vote in

Bachelor One: Ali Wakeling

He was nominated with this description: This 6″4 history student is the ideal choice for Soton bachelor of the year. Being a team water polo captain means he doesn’t not lack experience in getting people wet and getting down to some frisky business down below. Finding girls in his bedroom is one of his favourite past times and he will turn down no one unless they reject his fetish of licking his big toe. Saying no to this hunk can lead to some unpleasant circumstances with him once getting a seven month ban for knocking out the entire Switch smoking area, a sentence reduced after Switch realised how much of a machine he is. One can usually find him in the swimming pool sporting his skimpy speedos and preying on unsuspecting freshers.

Bachelor Two: Will Philbedge

He was nominated with this description: Will is the nicest guy who’s always wearing a stripe-y shirt. If you give him some cardboard, before you know it, you have a pirate on your hands.

Bachelor Three: Josh White

He was nominated with this description: This boy doesn’t even use filters on Snapchat because you can’t improve what God gave him. He is so pretty, there is a 6 month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear, every time he is near. It’s been said that you can literally hear girls’ hearts break the second he steps into Jesters. The only reason he’s still single is because he hasn’t yet found anyone that shares his immense love for fajitas.

Bachelor Four: Jordi Skilbeck

He was nominated with this description: Jordi puts the abs in to absolutely a 100% certified piff-ting. He’s spicier than the Spice Girls drenched in vindaloo. He just oozes sex. From every pore on his body the scent of his pure visceral animal magnetism perfumes its surroundings. Sharing a wall with him is difficult, I’m yet to sleep more than 1 hour in a night due to the constant screams of passion emanating from whoever his most recent lucky companion is. “Fuck me, you look like if George Clooney took the potion that Shrek drinks in Shrek 2 to make him really handsome, so basically an even more handsome George Clooney” said of one fan. Rumour has it, though never confirmed, he was actually born with 6 penises on his belly like cow’s udders, though doctors had to remove them as it was deemed unfair on all the other men.