An open letter to the people viewing my house: Kindly fuck off

Dear Potential Future Tenant

I understand you might want to live here, but do not make the mistake of thinking I want you here. I do not. Here are a couple of things that cross my mind every time I see your stupid faces.

I am trying to sleep

Right now I don’t really care that it’s 10am, or that I’ve been ‘notified via email’. I would like to remain asleep. I have already made the conscious decision to forego my irrelevant 9am lecture, I do not want the panic associated with hearing a strange voice in the distance utter the eternally haunting words “there are more bedrooms upstairs”… no shit Sherlock.

Please leave your judgement at the door

This is my house now and I can do with it as I please. Be that keeping it immaculate as instructed by my landlord for this very occasion (lol as if), or keeping it the shit-tip I like to call home. To quote our beloved meme overlord: “Get out o’ ma swamp”

Please knock before you enter.

Don’t ask me questions

I will tell you the truth, and you will not like it.

How’s the plumbing? Fucked.

How many times did the oven break last year? Five times.

Does this house get cold in the winter? This house has single glazing and mould on every wall, what do you think?

Asking me questions is basically like opening Pandora’s box. Don’t do it you moron.

I may hate you, but please rent my house

Believe it or not I do mean that, both parts. I want you to sign that tenancy agreement so I don’t have to see anymore of your vacant expressions as you try to decide if my house meets your living standards. Allow me to assist: It doesn’t. None of them do. Just sign this house so I can be left alone for the rest of the year please and thank you.

Love from every current passive aggressive sleep deprived tenant.