The types of students you’ll meet during Freshers

The Oxbridge Reject

These are the kind of people who actually completed D of E beyond Bronze. They'll apply for roles such as academic rep in a futile attempt to build up their shattered self-worth. They went through school as the 'gifted and talented' trophy, and will be likely to bring up their 10A*s at GCSE. How many A*s did you get? That's what I thought. The harsh reality is, however, their A-levels were shit and they got here by the skin of their teeth. They'll soon fade into oblivion, but their delusions of a Masters at Oxford will not.

The Privately-Educated John Lennon

They usually spawn in masses like enemies from a video game. Usually from a 'gap yah' in a super obscure country you're not cultured enough to know about. In between them getting their personalised guitar out without anyone asking, they'll tell stories of how they were building houses and fighting off wild boars for all the underprivileged children. They'll talk you through how they're going to change the world into a peaceful utopia, but will then miss a whole semester to get high.

…And then he just chundered everywhere

That One from Your School

Everyone is guilty of reinventing themselves a tad. Maybe the only person who partnered up with you in school was your teacher, or maybe you had explosive diarrhoea during trampolining in PE. The point is, you'll be trying to enjoy a night at the club with all your new besties but it won't be possible. You know why? You can FEEL the gloriously evil laughing eyes of this person who knows ALL your secrets, who is waiting for just the right moment to strike and ruin your life.

Your New BFF

To climb the ladder, sometimes you gotta start from the bottom. The very bottom. It's easier to cling to somebody who's alone, and despite your inhibitions you soon have dreams of having matching yearbook quotes. This is a gamble which can sometimes pay off, but the trouble is that these kind of people are usually alone for a reason. You realise this when your new buddy starts showing you their collection of taxidermy gerbils under their bed.

Hansel or Gretel

I allude to a fairy tale when describing this person for two reasons. Firstly, I believe they are some kind of magical being, as their plates will appear in your sink and you might hear the slam of their door occasionally, but that's it. Much like the breadcrumbs that lead Hansel and Gretel home, you only know that this person exists due to the little trinkets they leave behind. Maybe one day you'll trap their pale little face in a room to talk to them, and it turns out they have the personality of a breadcrumb too.

Party Stank Anthem

We're gonna go super technical and subcategorise here. The origin stories of these crazy club addicts are one of two. The first type are those who got in here through clearing and have already given up on life. Their hopes and dreams are ruined so they might as well waste their student loans on an industrial vat of Frosty Jacks. The second had a 9pm curfew up until moving day and are now trying to make up for it by dying their hair a bad colour and getting a piercing that isn't from Claire's.

The end result, however, is the same. They take the Kesha song literally when she says to brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack. Despite the lecture hall housing hundreds, they still decide to sit RIGHT next to you so you can smell the straight-outta-Jesters BO/vomit cocktail of their body sweat.