Every type of person you’ll bump into at uni from your hometown
There’s a reason we weren’t mates at school
The one who is so dull you would rather eat your own shit than have a conversation with
Oh you’re working at Tesco? That’s cool. You ask them what else is going on with their life and their response is as drab as their ombre. They leave the house party at half nine on a Saturday because they have to drive their mum to work in the morning.
The soundcloud rapper
You haven’t seen them for two years, but you’re suddenly best friends because he wants you to listen to his mix. He also asks you to share his music video, which is currently on 43 views (and counting).
The one who glo’d the fuck up
They were the ugly duckling in school but now they’re just smokin’. Puberty isn’t so kind to all of us.
The ex-best friend
You were so close during sixth form/college but now you’ve just drifted, but you’re secretly pleased about it. It’s so awkward when you bump into them you make an excuse within 30 seconds of chat and rush off quickly, praying that you won’t see them again for at least another year.
The raver and jet-setter
You’re not sure if they even have a job but they still manage to go out out at least three times a week, as well as regular holidays. Plus a new set of garms for each occasion. You’re slightly jealous, and slightly curious as to where they are off to next.
The one who does coke in club toilets
They do economics at uni and get wankered off Daddy’s money. They were in the popular group at school, so your ego is boosted when you see them coming out of the club toilet looking ‘slightly’ sniffly. There’s nothing better than seeing someone fall so heavily from grace. It’s hard being so rich.
The one who ghosted you
You promised each other that you would keep in touch whilst you were at uni, and then you never heard from them again, even after you sent a couple of messages. You’re not quite sure if they’re still alive, but you don’t really care.
The pregnant one
They were probably always going to get pregnant but you didn’t realise how fast it would actually happen. Motherhood and childbirth is a wonderful thing, but it gets a bit cringe when they make a Facebook announcement that begins: “straight out the pussy at 9:30am”. A bit of privacy goes a long way.
The second term is finished, they’re messaging you wanting to meet up. You were close once, but that’s changed, and for you a meet up every few weeks will suffice. But not for them. They want to meet weekly, speak on the phone daily and know every minute of your every day. They want to meet your new boyfriend even though your parents don’t know about him yet. It’s just a bit too much.
The club best friend
You very rarely spoke at school. You very rarely speak sober. But you’re blooming chatting away in the club, swapping life stories with each other. You know all about their parent’s divorce, and they gave you advice on what to do with your prick of a boyfriend.
The one who got famous
They were always slightly edgy at school, but now they have hundreds of thousands of followers and even their own merch. You’re a bit pissed off they haven’t given you a follow back for old time’s sake.
The one who now loves the Lord
Oh how people change. They were a top schlag in Year 11 but now the only thing they kiss is their cherished bible. Good for them for finding religion, although their Facebook worship posts are slightly odd.
They used to tease you relentlessly in school, but now they’ve dropped out of college and are a massive failure lol. You feel smug when they request to follow you insta and you bluntly decline. Power feels good.