The things they don’t tell you before you start uni in Southampton, but probably should

All the stories about Jesters are true


You probably heard a few stories about the ‘palace of dreams’ before moving to Southampton, passed on from a friend of a friend like Chinese whispers. Maybe about some crazy sexual act happening on the dance floor, or about the guy whose clothes turned mouldy after leaning against the bar. However these stories don’t really prepare you for the real thing. You make your first trip to Jesters with an apprehensive excitement..It can’t really be like all the stories can it? Oh, yes it can.

The first thing you should’ve been informed is to get a special pair of ‘Jesters shoes.’ A pair of £3 plimsoles from Primark will do, don’t make the mistake of wearing shoes you even slightly care about. They’ll end up covered with a odd mix of alcohol and bodily fluids and believe me, they’ll never be clean again.

After a visit to jesters

Secondly, it is essential to pre HARD before a trip to jesters, you don’t want to be even remotely sober as you descend the stairs and the unique odour of vomit mixed with cheap Aldi floor cleaner hits you.

Finally, you’ll want to get yourself a Jesticle or three and down them all before heading to the dance floor. Well I say dance floor, but its really more like a sweaty mosh pit so any drinks will end up all over you in about two seconds.

Thankfully Jesters doesn’t have a professional photographer

Chick-o-land will make you sick

So a messy trip to Jesters/Sobar will naturally end up in Chick-o-land. A massive pile of nuggets and chips is essential to round off the night. You inhale all the food during the taxi ride home and you fully believe that this is the best decision you’ve ever made. However, you get home and things quickly take a turn for the worse.

Stomach groaning like a beluga whale, you run to the toilet/sink/bin or whatever you can find and throw up a mixture of chicken chunks and alcohol. You begin to question everything. What is in those nuggets? What is even in a Jesticle? We’ll never know.

There are rats everywhere

One thing they certainly won’t tell you on your open day is that Southampton has a serious rat problem. Pretty much any green area you pass will be filled with any number of the things. Unlike in Ratatouille, these creatures are definitely not lovable and not even slightly afraid of humans.

Southampton is even home to the elusive ‘rat man’. This is an apparently unbalanced man who appears to be building his own army of giant rats by feeding them bacon and other goodies. Allegedly he is causing such an issue that the police have actually given permission to call them if you catch this master criminal in the act. Stay classy Southampton.

Freshers events are terrible

Want to pay way over the odds for a standard club night? Want to spend hours queuing in the freezing cold? Want to suffocate in a club that is too full? Then by all means attend a University of Southampton freshers event. Moving here was obviously an exciting prospect, and as a naive young fresher of course you wanted to make sure you didn’t miss out on a single thing… therefore splashing out on the freshers masterpass.

You were forced to make a snap decision under the pretences that ‘entry to every event is included in the price’ and ‘lots of the events are masterpass only’. Truth is you will be charged for every event unless you turn up before about 9pm, and the ‘masterpass only’ events were standard club nights that could be bought into with a few quid. Hopefully next years freshers will heed this warning before they fall into the trap.

Freshers pass around the neck like a VIP

All of this wouldn’t even be so bad if the events were good, but unfortunately that’s not the case. Big Night Out sounds like a great idea in theory, but good luck trying to get into more than one club all night. You soon learn that there is a lot more fun to be had in Southampton by just doing your own thing.

Quads are lethal

So it’s your first Sobar Tuesday, and you notice everybody carrying mysterious blue drinks. Surely people aren’t drinking pints of WKD? Nope, they most definitely are not. These are quad blues; simultaneously one of the tastiest and deadliest drinks around.

Naturally you end up buying about five or six of them, because at £2 each it would be rude not too. Luckily any of your maths skills will have gone out the window after the first one, otherwise you’d realise that you’d collectively had about 24 shots worth of vodka.  Next thing you suddenly come to in the street outside, smelling of Chick-o-land and shame. What the hell happened in there?

Scoops and Sprinkles are exactly the same

An honourable mention to the debate gripping Southamptoners everywhere: Sprinkles v Scoops… Which is better? Ask pretty much anyone and they’ll reply Sprinkles. But why? They’re pretty much exactly the same, I challenge you to find a difference between them in a blind test. You won’t be able to. They’re both great and should be celebrated equally.

This delivered to my door? Yes please

Moreover, Scoops now delivers, which is most definitely a game changer.