Lies every student has told themselves

I can eat pasta and cheese 5 times a week and still remain a size 8


Students will justify literally anything.

I can function perfectly well on 2 hours of sleep 

I just wanted to watch one or two episodes of Gavin and Stacey as a break from revision, and next thing I knew Nessa was dumping Dave Coaches at the altar. It’s now 8:30am and I have a full day of lectures ahead. My eyes can’t focus properly and my legs feel partially paralysed, but I am awake and ready for a day of learning! Sleep is for the weak.

Sleeping lectures 8

Just resting my eyes

I look good in boxer braids and glitter 

It’s festival season, gotta rock out the the frayed shorts and this totally original hairstyle. Who cares if I am verging on cultural appropriation? I look EDGY and COOL. People will know not to try me,  and that I take E.

I can find a seat in the library 

Okay, so it is exam season. But there’s got to be at least one seat in the library for little old me? (tip: there is never a seat. Never.  Give up and go home).

I can eat whatever I want

Pasta and cheese is an extremely healthy and balanced meal. I’m actually surprised I haven’t lost weight, not all carbs are bad for you! Furthermore, in order to get this tub of Ben and Jerry’s I had to walk all the way down to the co-op. I probably burnt all the calories I ate eating the ice-cream, getting the ice-cream, so it all cancels out.

Must resist temptation: It all looks so tasty, but you must not get distracted by food

There must be some nutritional value in there

I have more than £2.58 in my bank account 

I haven’t spent that much money this week. I’ve only gone clubbing three times, ordered 4 takeaways, bought my summer wardrobe on Asos and gone to Starbucks every day (I needed the energy boost!). You never know what day is going to be your last, there’s no point saving money. If I died tomorrow I would really regret not ordering Cards Against Humanity: UK Edition, so I’m going to treat myself for the fifth time today and go for it.

My room is perfectly clean and tidy 

Those ‘together’ people who do their laundry every week are weirdos. Yes I have worn this short 4 times this week, and yes it has ketchup stains on it but it’s still perfectably wearable! Also, there’s not that many cracker crumbs on my floor, if I tiptoe around my room I can just about miss them. So what if there is hair clogged up in my sink? It’s my hair! But it’s just living in the drains instead of on my head

Remember, a floordrobe is free!

I only use my room to sleep anyway

I can wear these high heels to the club 

You say yourself “I look so hot in these shoes, and beauty is pain right? I’m sure I’ll be able to last the night in these, they’re not even that high!” Cut to 2 hours later and you’re regretting every life decision you ever made. You regret the invention of the heel. You regret the invention of shoes in general. You regret ever being born with feet. You regret ever being born.

Sure, everyone's happy about those shoes now

Sure, everyone’s happy about those shoes now

3pm is a reasonable wake up time 

Sleep is needed in order to achieve a fully productive day! I mean it would help to actually be conscious during sunlight hours, but who cares about the technicalities. I have the whole summer to sort out my messed up sleeping pattern

I’ll do the washing up tomorrow 

I’m just going to let it all soak for a few hours. The kitchen isn’t even that messy and the smell isn’t even that bad, all you have to do is hold your breathe and try not to open your eyes all the way so the fumes from the month old takeaway don’t get in.

The true walk of shame

No big deal, only a couple of plates

I work best under pressure 

You know what, revision doesn’t actually help me. I could waste my time and revise and it go one ear and out the other, or I could do something meaningful with my life and watch the entire boxset of Game of Thrones. I know when the time comes I’ll be able to cram everything the night before and be fully prepared for the exam.

My flatmate can’t hear me bitch about her 

Yes I can hear her having depressingly bad sex with her boyfriend every week, but there’s no way she can hear me right? The walls are paper then. Therefore, I will continue to bitch about her questionable ‘vegan’ meals and she will be none the wiser.

I needed to steal my flatmates milk 

Calcium is everything. Do they want my bones to become brittle and break? I would hope not. I would like to think that they would actually prefer me to nick some milk my tea instead of dying of thirst.

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Doing what any other British citizen would

My gym membership will motivate me to go the gym 

I’ve never worked out in my life, but I am sure that if I fork out this £150 that I do not really have on a membership it will force me to exercise. I mean, who are those people who buy a gym membership and then never go? That won’t be me, I’ll make sure of it.

I need another drink 

Uni life is all about not caring about anything or anyone and just getting pissed! I’m here to live my life to the fullest. Who cares if I’m chucking my guts up in 4 hours time? That’s a problem for future me. Present me just wants to go hard. YOLO.