A translation of SUSU’s response to criticism

“We know what you want better than you do”

SUSU channeled their inner politician, giving a stock answer that David Cameron would have been proud of. Here, we translate it into a more comprehensible version.

£23,000 well spent.

By now, you’re surely aware of the rebranding scandal engulfing SUSU US. Coming at a time when the majority of students are desperately seeking any distraction from exams, it’s the perfect storm for a beleaguered union. Yesterday, we found US. gave a textbook politician’s response to a question on the You Make Change forum in March, so here at The Tab we decided to translate it into layman’s terms.

The question posed:

I was told by the union president that the result of the branding survey was to overwhealmingly [sic] keep the SUSU name. Why are you going against what the students want?

And the informative answer:

The concept being developed further by the creative agency is the product of discussion at council; the survey; considerations of our demographic; and the student, staff and stakeholder workshops.

We hired a 13 year old, xXcReaTionZXx with extensive experience uploading FIFA clips to YouTube. We were particularly  impressed with the dubstep mashups he selected over his videos, and with the Powerpoint slide transitions and sound effects used in his proposal presentation. The student workshops were advertised on Google Plus, and thus could not have been publicised more. Any individual unaware of the proposed change is entirely culpable for their own ignorance.

Nothing about the rebrand has been decided to ‘go against what students want’ – it would be counterproductive and undermine the entire purpose of this exercise, and I (the aforementioned Union President) have no agenda that involves acting against the interests of the students – all decisions made are being made by students, for students, and while some will miss the name SUSU, many will be pleased to see the new Union that is the product of the many reviews and changes being made this year to bring student decision making and ownership of the Union front and centre.

Long sentences are key when attempting to make it sound like an idea is well researched, as it presents a facade of care, attention and due process – I would like to make it abundantly clear at this point that I have never acted against of the student body in charge of the Union’s best interests: these are obviously the most important students. While some will miss the SUSU name, we’re acting to ensure that the Union acts for the students that own it.

As such, all students have equal representation in the decision making process – although what is equality? Some students will inevitably be ‘more equal’ than others, but these will be those individuals best placed to make the decisions. Avenue Campus will be renamed New Siberia, and a help desk will be opened there – members of the student body with complaints will be asked to report there and through hard work and laborious efforts will find their problems resolved in 30-60 years.

The results and the report based on the results will be available soon, and will explain the reasoning behind the changes being made.

The reasoning? We know better, because we won the elections. Didn’t you hear about those? 0.32% of the student body voted, and that’s quorum! It was all over the Wessex Scene, didn’t you see?

While many students felt strongly that the SUSU name was a classic, the majority found it catchy but exclusive – it requires further explanation or introduction to get involved with.

The US. does not believe in cliques or groups with undue power. As such, we were concerned that the phenomena of acronym elitism would rear its ugly, privileged head.  That is to say, those who did understand the acronym SUSU often used their inherent advantage to hire 3/7 members of S-Club for the Grad Ball. These delusions of grandeur that accompanied comprehension then engendered an unshakeable feeling of relevance in those individuals – if not kept as the centre of attention consistently, tantrums occurred.

We were particularly concerned by the reaction of this educated elite to the 24/7 library; when not given an opportunity to prevent those uneducated peons from potentially discovering the meaning of SUSU, these same bourgeois monsters fussed over the issues of ‘student welfare’, fearful for their privileged position.

I’ve also had international students actually laugh out loud at the name SUSU (it translates poorly to say the least) and that is worth great consideration when international students comprise roughly one third of our population.

We’ve opened a Malaysian campus, and couldn’t stand the derisive laughter. Susu translates as ‘breast’, and we don’t need any more help to make tits out of ourselves.

There were issues brought up outside the survey in the focus groups that have been given due consideration, and the new brand concepts presented to council were based on the key word arising from consultation of ‘inclusive’ – including the new name.

We find a focus on buzzwords can replace coherent and sensible ideas 95% of the time. And the other 5%, well, you’re probably all distracted by the cat we elected. Aren’t we quirky?

And there we have it. Essentially a massive ‘fuck you’ from the Union, lit up in neon green and daubed on your very soul. Don’t sweat it boys and girls, we know better. Changing the name is the first step to ‘inclusivity’ – and if you don’t want inclusivity? Racist. You’re obviously bigoted, and thus your dissent worthless.

Just be grateful we didn’t put the logo in Comic Sans. Although as it turned out, that was only because it would have almost doubled the £29,000 costs. Couldn’t have that – we work for you, remember?