If Southampton’s nightclubs were your mates

Dungeon needs to start using deodorant


Every friendship group contains a few distinct types of people. Sometimes you might claim to be the Chandler or the Joey of your group, sometimes you might the Sheldon or the Penny. But what if instead of comparing ourselves to popular characters or celebs, we used Southampton’s nightclubs?

Drunk student

Jesters

Jesters is Marmite, either loved or hated. You’ll tell your mates you’ve invited Jesters out with you and it will either be met with sheer enthusiasm or pure disgust. Pre drinks will be slightly awkward while those who aren’t a fan drink themselves into a mood where they can tolerate Jesters constantly trying to put Disney songs on.

It doesn’t look like much, could do with a shave and a shower or maybe a new wardrobe, but it has a certain friendly warmth to it that makes you forget the bad smell. Plus, it’s always a funny night when Jesters gets plastered by 11pm and ends up on the floor outside Chicoland cradling a chicken wrap and grinning from ear to ear.

Switch

Switch is that mate who’s always following the latest trend. For a while it was shuffling, then they gave up the EDM and learned the first verse of Shutdown instead. They probably changed the football club they supported when Chelsea got money, and really enjoy Coldplay but would never tell anyone.

Switch will kind of fade into the background at pre-drinks, sipping a vodka lemonade and nodding its head to the beat of whatever song is playing. Avoid giving them control of the music, or their ‘PRE DRINKS BANGERS 2K16’ playlist will come out (it contains every popular Calvin Harris song and was recently updated to include most of Bieber’s Purpose album).

Drunk students

Junk

Despite a sheltered upbringing in the home counties, someone offered Junk a puff of a joint in Freshers and they never looked back. You’ll see them scuttling back from a ‘link up’ with a dealer clutching a small packet of white powder in the pocket of a parka.

Junk is the person in the group project who will show up to every meeting 40 minutes late with eyes as red as Jeremy Corbyn. You both know they won’t do any work and neither of you are sure why they’re at uni. Give it up mate, is the comedown really worth it for 5 hours of repetitive thudding?

Dungeon

Dungeon is that guy on your course who you were put into a tutor group with. If asked you won’t call him your ‘mate’, more of an acquaintance who you felt a bit bad for and chatted to a few times before seminars. At some point in their mid teens they started listening to Avenged Sevenfold and it was just downhill from there.

Dungeon only smokes roll-ups, wears a lot of black and owns more trench coats than any person should realistically own (anything above 0 trench coats being unacceptable). If any chart music comes on anywhere, Dungeon will give out a sigh just loud enough as to encourage people to ask what’s up, allowing them to begin a pre-rehearsed rant about the ‘state of music these days’. Get a haircut, Dungeon.

That's more like it.

That’s more like it.

Sobar

Sobar won’t divide opinions at pre drinks quite so much as Jesters will, only trying to put Top 40 songs on as opposed to S Club. Sobar doesn’t try to be anything it’s not, perfectly happy to be seen out in loose fit jeans and a t shirt, most people appreciate that.

They are a generous friend, always up for getting the first round in or sharing food after a night out. Relatively humble and unassuming, they’ll get a 2:1 and go on to work as a project manager for a respectable accountancy firm.

Oceana

Everyone’s met Oceana, but doesn’t necessary like her that much. Oceana will fill up your Facebook feed with pictures of a ‘night out with the girlies!’ and so-called ‘inspirational’ quotes for when things get ‘tough’ during exam periods.

Oceana is a decent enough person at heart, but needs to drop the act. We don’t care how much you miss Zante 2014, put down the vodka cranberry and lighten up with the rest of us.