An ode to DJ Khaled’s Snapchat

They don’t want you to read this article


It was a Wednesday evening. Bored after a day of procrastination in the library, I checked my phone to find a message from a friend that would change my life forever:
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I was sceptical at first. “Will I actually benefit from this?” I wondered, “What will pictures and ten-second videos of an obese multi-millionaire add to my life?” I was young and foolish, my eyes still closed to the miracle that is DJ Khaled’s Snapchat.

Ok Khaled, ok

When you think of Snapchat, a few things spring to mind. Unfocused pictures of your friends’ nights out, that girl you added because you fancied but realistically have no chance with sipping coffee from a red Starbucks cup, your mate who didn’t go to uni insisting that his night in Spoons with his HMV colleagues was ‘sick’. Fear not, DJ Khaled is none of these things.

Imagine the innocence and hopefulness of your three year old self. Transplant this into the body of a large, Middle Eastern hip-hop producer. Multiply both of these elements by several million, and you get something close to DJ Khaled.

khaled2

It’s not an exaggeration to say that DJ Khaled may be the most inspirational person on the planet right now. This isn’t because he’s struggled to overcome some kind of adversity, or because he’s particularly wise. It’s just his sheer, unrelenting optimism, on top of his apparent ability to see the future and predict more success for himself and his entourage.

He likes to refer to things, ordinary and everyday things, as the ‘key to success’. Things you may previously have dismissed as unimportant are suddenly made awe-inspiring by DJ Khaled, such as mouthwash, drinking water, soap, apples.

As the shirtless selfie probably shows, DJ Khaled loves his food. His breakfast snaps are legendary, with the enigmatic ‘Chef Dee’ whipping up egg-white omelettes, turkey sausages, hash browns and more on a daily basis. Lunch is much of the same, it’s not difficult to see why the man has the figure to match his Buddha-like serenity.

They don't want us to have breakfast lmao

A photo posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Dec 11, 2015 at 4:03pm PST

He has a vaguely paranoid obsession with ‘them’. ‘They’ are a group of people who are apparently on a mission to bring the righteous down, to stop us from enjoying ourselves. ‘They’ don’t want us to eat breakfast or lunch, so we must defeat ‘them’ by eating breakfast and lunch.

Has DJ Khaled unearthed the truth about the Illuminati? Is he the most woke person on the planet? Probably, he’s that wise. He’s leading the charge against a global conspiracy in order to save us all. Don’t just take my word for it, this noble crusade has picked up the attention of Bieber, Drake and others.

It’s not particularly clear what his role in the music industry actually is, but snapchats of him sealing ‘huge deals’ are all the evidence I need to reassure me that without him, the hip-hop scene would totally disintegrate. He takes the opportunity to advertise his line of ‘We The Best’ merchandise, and somehow makes dad flip flops look cool.

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If he’s not in the studio cooking up bangers or relaxing in his hot tub, you can catch him whizzing around Miami on a jet ski. He’s been stopped by the coastguard and fined on several occasions, but he doesn’t let this deter him. ‘They don’t want us to jet ski’ after all, and ‘they’ must be defeated.

The moral of the story is that you should add DJ Khaled on snapchat. They say the best things in life are free, and this proves this more than anything I’ve done on social media before. Snap by snap, another one, day by day, another one, your life will gradually improve. His username is Djkhaled305, what are you waiting for.