Everything That Will Ever Happen To You In Switch

No mate, I don’t have any gum


Since the tragic demise of Voodoo, Switch has been seen by many as the go-to club for Southampton students on a Friday night. If you are one of those people, you will probably  be familiar with a few of these situations.

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1) You’re queuing for a drink. You swear the queue is somehow getting bigger while you’re in it, but you’ve already been there for 10 minutes and you’re too emotionally invested to back out now.

2) You’re queuing for a drink. You spot someone you know about to be served, and manage to slip them enough money for a round of imitation Jägerbombs. He manages to spill half of them over the other people in the queue, but he’s saved you around 25 minutes of your life so you graciously accept the drinks and return to your friends.

3) You’re queuing for a drink. Some dickhead very unsubtly pushes in front of everyone, waving a crumpled tenner at the barman. You can’t be bothered to call them out on it and he’s bigger than you, so you settle for keeping quiet and mentally picturing their death.

4) You’re queuing for a drink. After a couple of minutes  and zero progress, your friend suggests trying the upstairs bar. You agree and make the trek up the (weirdly slippery??) stairs, only to discover that the queue is just as big up there.

5) You’re queuing for a drink. Your really keen friend forced you to get there for 10:30 so the place is completely dead, but at least you can ruthlessly take advantage of the £1.50 jägerbombs.

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6) You’ve lost your friends. Unleashing your inner Bear Grylls, you make for the higher ground of upstairs to scout for them. Peering over the railings you realise the impossibility of your task, as an ocean of students packed in like sardines unfolds before you. You quickly give up, put “Smokers?” in the group chat and slink outside for a breather.

7) You’ve lost your friends. They SWORE they would stay in the same place while you popped to the loo, but when you came back nobody was there. Did they leave? Did they go to the smokers? Did someone shuffle too hard and kick them into the stratosphere? Who knows, they’ll be getting a passive aggressive tweet in the morning.

8) You’re on the dancefloor. You thank God that you’re not claustrophobic, because you’re barely able to move as people crush you from all sides. “Can you really still call this a dancefloor if you’re physically unable to dance?” you wonder. Oh well, keep pretending to enjoy the same house song that’s been playing for 2 hours now.

9) You’re on the dancefloor. It’s actually not disgustingly busy, and your shape-throwing is on point. The DJ has dropped a few bangers, you’re in the zone, this is what Switch is about.

10) You’re on the dancefloor. The DJ plays another iffy remix of some generic house song, leaving you longing for the comfort of the Oceana cheese room or even Jesters. At least there you can sing along, even if the shuffling potential is limited.

11) You’re on the dancefloor. As a lover of house and EDM you are loving the tunes. You’re not sure if it’s because of the skinny jeans or your new pair of Huaraches, but that girl is definitely checking you out. “This is the life” you think, sipping your bottle of water.

12) You’re on the dancefloor. You bump into a guy who is clearly pinging off his nut, and he gives you a sort of grin that doesn’t quite come off given his lack of facial control. “You having a good night mate?” he asks. “Yeah mate” you reply, giving him a pat on the shoulder that says “Your parents are disappointed in you, but that’s ok”.

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13) Your cab drops you outside. You have guestlist, but quickly realise that the guestlist queue is actually longer than the normal one. With a defeated sigh, you join the line and pay the extra pound.

14) You’re in the smokers’. Your mate is getting with someone, you’re leaning against the railing trying to sober up while a bouncer pulls two brawling people apart. Your twitter says ‘Sick night at Switch!’, your heart says ‘I want a Subway’.

15) It’s a Saturday in Switch. A DJ who had that one song you sort of liked is playing, but all the locals are just using it as an excuse to sniff ket and fight people. You would probably save yourself a lot of time if you carried a sign around that says “No, I don’t have any gum”.

16) You’ve actually had an alright night. You say your goodbyes and get a Subway, which everyone knows is the real reason you came out tonight.