Everything that will ever happen to you in Oceana

In case you are yet to delve into the UK’s largest and arguably most generic nightclub, or you just need your faith reaffirmed, here’s a list of everything that has happened […]


In case you are yet to delve into the UK’s largest and arguably most generic nightclub, or you just need your faith reaffirmed, here’s a list of everything that has happened and probably will happen in Oceana.

oceana

Much like an actual ocean, it helps if you take a deep breath to steady yourself before entering

1) You lose your friends. Unable to contact them because it’s a black hole for phone signal, you wander from room to room aimlessly for 30 minutes til you find someone or call it a night and leave.

2) You lose your friends. Unable to contact them, you decide to go on an absolute mad one because it will be a great story when you are eventually reunited. After downing a fairly expensive double you meander through the dance floor trying to look like you’re having fun. You decide to call it a night and leave.

3) You lose your friends. Too drunk to really know or care where they went you go for a walk around, get rebuffed from the VIP section by a tired looking bouncer, end up in the smokers’ and check twitter until you sober up enough to cut your losses and leave.

4) You’re in the disco room with your friends. As the crowd frantically jumps around to S Club’s ‘Reach’ you can’t help but reevaluate your entire life, that failed relationship, that missed uni offer, that time you were mean to the fat kid in year 8. Your grinning mate taps you and gives you a thumbs up, you smile through the pain and return it.

5) You’re in the disco room with your friends. You’re at a drunken stage where doing the macarena actually doesn’t seem like the worst thing in the entire world. You exchange a knowing glance with the guy next to you, smiling as you rotate your hips for the ‘Heeeeey’ bit.

Repeat after me, this is fun, I am having fun

Repeat after me, this is fun, I am having fun

6) Someone has farted on the disco room dancefloor. Leaving now would look suspicious, you stay and choke back the tears as the acrid fumes burn your eyes.

7) The DJ plays the fourth S Club song of the night in the disco room. You wonder how much is too much.

8) You are hit by a flailing arm as two people engage in a graphic game of tonsil tennis on the disco room dancefloor. You manage to resist the urge to pour your drink on them, if only this were Jesters and ammunition were cheaper.

9) One of your mates knows a promoter and you’ve got a VIP band. You ascend the staircase to the promised land, with a cocky flash of your wrist sending the bouncer back to his shadowy cave. You soon realise VIP is just a few sofas and a bar with a slightly smaller queue, and return to the main area.

10) You’re on the main room dancefloor with your friends, someone gets up on the platform in the middle. ‘Why do they still have that platform’ you ask yourself, as a drunk girl falls off. Is she ok? Who knows, just keep pretending to recognise the generic house songs.

11) You’re on the main room dancefloor with your friends. One of them is getting with someone , you know they’ll regret it in the morning but you have no choice but to stay and awkwardly dance next to them because there’s nobody else to share a cab with, and fuck paying £15 by yourself.

The results last time S Club came to SUSU

S Club belongs in our memories, not on our dancefloors

12) You’re on the main room dancefloor with your friends. The guy from that TV show your mate told you to watch appears on stage to slurred cheers from the crowd, he looks miserable. Through gritted teeth he asks if you’re having a good night, then slinks off to do enough coke in the toilets to make the next two hours bearable.

13) You’re on the main room dancefloor with your friends. The guy from that TV show you watch appears on stage, having already done enough coke to make the night bearable. He screams incoherently into a mic, the crowd echoes it, you tell yourself this is a cool story.

14) Someone has been sick on the floor of the toilets. You desperately need the loo, so take a deep breath and nimbly leap over the orangey-yellow puddle, doing your business as quickly as possible. Your breath runs out, and you catch a whiff of the putrid stench of regurgitated Nandos and broken dreams on your way out.

15) You’re in the smokers’ for a breather. Someone asks you for a cig, you politely tell them you don’t have any, they still give you a filthy look.

Absolute state of that

Absolute state of that

16) You’re in the smokers’ for a breather. 30 texts and 7 missed calls suddenly come through from that friend of a friend you’ve subtly been trying to ditch all night asking where you are. You put your phone back in your pocket and tell yourself you’re a good person.

17) You see a 40 year old local staggering towards the bar for another round. You pray that’s not you in 20 years.

18) You leave and get a McDonalds, wondering why you didn’t make that decision two hours ago.