Snapchat is dead

Snapchat was potentially revolutionary, now it’s just a murky backwater of social media.

It was fun while it lasted but now it’s just for bragging and selfies. Society needs to leave it behind the same way it got rid of Bebo and MySpace; the app is now beyond parody, with a quick trip to the “Story” section causing nothing but pure apathy or burning jealousy. These guys though, are the worst:

The Foodie

Speaking of kebabs, this person wouldn’t find themselves down-wind of a dodgy chicken shop. No, instead they’ll boast of their perfect, home-made and potentially home-grown salad as your stomach cries itself into a coma on the toilet (perfect Snapchat checking time). As much as I would view this as an achievement if I myself had done it, they’re clearly a professional in waiting as that very evening they’ve uploaded pictures of their own mango souffle.

The animal lover

We get it. You own seven cats, four dogs, three snakes, two turtles and a goldfish. Nobody cares. I’ve seen a dog before, and everyone was as dull as the last one. We’ve been watching your cat sit still on your story for the last 150 seconds of our lives, and countless stories before that. Please, don’t take your boredom out on us anymore.

The non-foodie

Tenuous but worth mentioning. This guy takes pride in how shite he is at cooking and he wants you all to know how unskilled he is, in the hope that we’ll just assume that they’re amazing at something else. Unfortunately, we don’t.

The one rich person you know but not well enough that they’ll invite you to any cool stuff

This person, probably a girl, finds themselves in a different one of London’s rooftop bars every Friday night for the world’s most expensive pre-drinks. And they go on 17 “getaways” to islands in the Med a year. The worst bit is that this person has been sitting behind you in lectures for the last five months and you just couldn’t be bothered to get to know them properly. And they’ve just taken four of your coursemates to New York for the week. Fuck. They’ll still get a 2:1 as well.

The weather man

This guy refuses to recognise that the UK is a pretty small place and that, oddly enough, the weather is the same pretty much over the country. When the weather is absolute balls, the last thing anyone wants to see on their Snapchat is MORE RAIN. They will, without fail, mention the month that the weather phenomena is occurring in too. Sorry pal, 1999 is calling and it wants its joke back.