Jesters' Hidden Gems

It’s the start of a new year at the University of Southampton. New faces, new places, but one treasured institution of Southampton remains. The ever hallowed, Jesters.

If you’re new round here, by now you will have most likely heard the legends of the so called ‘Palace of dreams’. Apart from being voted the number one worst nightclub in the UK, it is also possibly one of the funnest nights out you will ever have.

You have probably already been told countless times about the need to buy ‘Jesters shoes’. You’ve also probably heard plenty about the resident cocktail (in the loosest sense of the word): a ‘Jesticle’ and the somewhat loose dress code.

Whilst these cliches are true, here are some things you may not have heard, but will definitely need to know:

1. Bay Watch 

Unfortunately this doesn’t mean Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff are going to bless the moist dance floor with their presence. But it does mean that the theme tune to their hit 90’s show will be played at some point every night.

Just call me Mitch Buchannon.

For all you naturists out there this will quickly become your favourite time of the night. Tradition means that when the Baywatch theme plays (and it does without fail) you must remove whatever piece of clothing covers your upper body, and spin it around your head.

Don’t be too afraid. By this point in the night you should be suitably rat arsed and not care about the dripping armpit of your smelly flatmate being in your face. If you’re not, then go and buy another Jesticle… now.

2. Pulling (if you can call it that)

You don’t really pull in Jesters. It’s more a drunken and clumsy routine of disappointment. There you are, drunkenly swaying to the sound of some cheesy music, when you discover your overexcited teenage libido swimming around in the bottom of your drink. All of a sudden that ‘bad idea’ of sleeping with your flatmate becomes the ‘best idea’ since having that last Jesticle.

You both imagine a night of beautifully romantic love making. A bed covered in roses, an 8 inch penis, and at least one orgasm. The reality consists of a lot of tonguey kissing, a penis that will stay erect for all of 5 minutes, and an apology. You might even get a cuddle if you’re lucky.

3. The toilets

You wouldn’t expect the toilets to be a highlight of a night out in a club, especially when you see the state of the Jesters toilets. However, despite being disgusting, the Jesters toilets have plenty to entertain you whilst you relieve yourself.

Firstly, you can add to the large amounts of obscene graffiti that decorates the walls of the toilets, or just sit/stand back and enjoy the drunken scribbles left by your predecessors.

In the men’s loo you also have the ancient sport of urinal fountain pissing. Think of a champagne glass fountain, but with piss…in Jesticle cups. And yes, they do re use those cups.

The piss pyramids?

For the ladies they’ve got the twobicle. Apparently girls like to talk to each other when they’re in the loo? Well now you can do it whilst you’re actually weeing! Sort of a killing two birds with one stone kinda situation.

The famous two-bicle

4. The Gold Card

Soon after you go to Jesters you are sure to hear about the famous and rare Jesters Gold card. This little bit of plastic gold will soon become more valuable to you then your debit card, student ID, and the love and respect of your parents.

What makes these cards so special is not just the fact that it gets you queue jump and free entry for 5 days of the week, but is the ways in which you can acquire them. The easiest way to get one is to attend one of Jesters ‘cider festivals’ and stay inside the palace for 12 straight hours. Be prepared for lots of marathon drinking, hours of unrelenting Jesters smell, and frustrating games of monopoly. But it is all worth it in the end.

5. The Jesters challenge 

This one isn’t for the faint hearted, and much like Lord Voldemort or your pull from the first night, it’s something you just don’t talk about.

However, as the name suggests, to complete the Jesters challenge one must perform a specific act of debauchery in each of the 4 corners of Jester’s dance floor.

Although you will probably never witness this challenge be attempted, and would most likely be thrown out before it could be completed, it is still apart of the rich tapestry of Jester’s legend.

Because we’ve got a reputation to uphold, we can’t tell you what these vile acts would be but suffice to say they involve every bodily fluid you can think of.

Although there is a lot of mythology surrounding Jesters that may or may not appeal to you, it truly is an experience like no other. It is also one that you cannot properly experience until you go yourself. So put on your Primarni Jesters shoes, get the pre drinks in and get your arse down there.