My Guide To Why Your Vote Means Wank

As we all know, being a student is a valiant, full-time, all-encompassing endeavour, whether it’s because you actually do a proper degree (I don’t) or because you spend so much bloody time drinking (I do).

The way I see it, this leaves little time to properly research the small insignificant matter of which political party we ought to let steer our country towards inevitable doom. But don’t panic! As a Politics student I’ve taken it upon my gracious self to write a biased yet shrewd political breakdown so you can make your decision quickly and easily, and get your sorry self back to whatever’s on the menu for pre-drinks tonight.

Lurking on the port side of the spectrum are the Green Party, the strongest of the bunch of feeble leftie tadpoles gasping for recognition. The catchphrase of this lot, as quoted from their website, runs thusly: “we will raise taxes to finance saving the fucking polar bear.”

In the distant past I had a dreadlock, and I once tried to chat up a girl who liked soy latte – I can reliably inform you that the rest of the Green Party fan base are also trying to pull hippies or pull off dreadlocks, if not both. Whether your species is endangered or you are just a camomile-tea loving wettie, try to find it within yourself to realise voting Green will never make a difference, and move on.

Creeping rightwards we find the Labour Party, a society of taxation loving nitwits led by the stuttering fool from Wallace and Gromit. Voting Labour is similar to finding a child who can’t use an abacus and entrusting them with everybody’s credit cards, which in short is the reason we are in this whole bloody mess.

From looking at my sub-zero and still plummeting HSBC balance I can personally tell you that it is fun spending money that you don’t have, but bear with. If you stop just staring at Susannah Reid and start actually listening to the news, you’ll hear that Labour love spending. In student terms, they are the broke friend who always buys another round of Jagerbombs and forever has that next day feeling of being balls deep in their overdraft. This is acceptable if you are off your tits in Jesters at 2am, however these strange mutants think you can actually run an economy in this way.

Let us continue centre-bound in our search for any mites of political wisdom. Like a midget playing piggy in the middle, the Liberal Democrat Party trail hopelessly behind what is essentially a two horse race. They are in the unfortunate position of being a bit sensible but unable to really put their ideas across – think Steven Hawking if he didn’t have the speakerphone thingy.

Is it worth taking notice of the Lib-Dems, given that nobody else will? Not really, no. Nick Clegg is the tentacley, gelatinous moron turned party leader in charge of these twits. A few years ago this man promised that we, the impoverished students of Britain, wouldn’t have to pay through our noses to become university educated academics. A few years later and we the aforementioned impoverished are indeed paying through our noses, the victims of cruel Lib-Dem facade.

The Conservatives, then. Like pus from a wound, this troop of snobbish toffs oozed out of Eton and into parliament by some miraculous wealth fuelled osmosis. These pompous halfwits have been trained in the art of bourgeois deception since they were first sprotted from the wombs of their middle class mothers.

Leader Dave Cameron is a grandmaster of cutting and has practised on everything from rich peoples taxes to his own umbilical cord – other notable achievements of his include winning shiniest forehead of the year for as long as anyone can remember. What one must remember when deciding to vote is that the smart haircuts and good manners which have been drummed into these automata does not make up for their disturbing lack of souls. Given the chance, any of the bloodsuckers even slightly associated with this party would double cross you immediately and mercilessly. Including me.

Let us then look to UKIP, who are politically right but otherwise undoubtedly wrong in every respect possible. Having used up a fair quota of swearwords there isn’t actually much I can write, but here goes. Nigel Farage is a slimy cleft of a man, a greasy parasitic sleaze, a bug-eyed, two-faced, ghastly splat of ejaculate accidently fired at the Earth by Satan himself. Somehow this unpleasant slug of bile has attracted a cluster of right-wing circus freaks hell bent on spreading the infectious chauvinism that runs through their veins like hepatitis.

The stringent selection process for creating a UKIP policy involves scouring the dictionary for words ending in ‘phobia’ such as xenophobia, Islamophobia and homophobia, a task usually taken on by the few members of the party who can read or write. Voting UKIP is sort of like that bit where Eve ate the apple and literally cast the rest of human race into damnation for the whole of time,  but maybe a little worse.

So, if you’ve registered to vote, you are somewhere between a rock and a hard place, a no-win, catch twenty two, stalemate quagmire that will ultimately lead to some kind of sadness and guilt for future you. You’re vote is a worthless, useless, tick-of-a-box and you’re vastly outnumbered by ignorants and racists in your own sweet country anyway. The least you could do is give it up to someone much more intelligent and probably better looking than you. You know what you have to do my friends – over and out x

There’s two sides to every story so we recommend that you also read this article on the importance of voting.