Tridents Get A Semi

Having conquered the BUCS League, the Tridents turn their full attention to the Division One National tournament, progressing to the semi finals after a 9–2 victory away at Imperial Collage London.  […]


Having conquered the BUCS League, the Tridents turn their full attention to the Division One National tournament, progressing to the semi finals after a 9–2 victory away at Imperial Collage London. 

Pre-match scouting revealed overly factual match reports that were key to Imperial’s downfall. We can only assume they employed similar tactics and were dismayed by my lack of spelling prowess and description of actual match facts.

Q1 was super boring but Jack McClelland did score, proud of you bro.

Other than that, Imperial called a time out to figure out what to do in attack because they’d never seen anyone play a six-man zone before. Having had a chat they decided they’d just run around a bit until they dropped the ball. Tactics.

Presumably the ball is nearby

Presumably the ball is nearby

Q2 was also of a waste everyone’s time, Southampton’s single travelling fan left to go to the shops mid-quarter, upsetting the defence so much that they conceded a goal to Imperial with an outside shot.

Returning from his shopping trip, fan-come-manager Jamie slurred through a half time team talk, recalling that lacrosse is a game of two halves, and at the end of the day we only needed to score more goals than the other team to win.

A paltry 2–1 to Southampton was the score as the second half commenced. Eager to spice things up, Spencer Grant maliciously head-butted an Imperial player’s knee and knocked himself out – what an idiot.

Spencer faked a concussion to avoid his inevitable and just dismissal, treating himself to a cheeky chirps with Harry Kenyon’s fit sister on the sidelines, trying to convince her a blow job would sooth his sore head.

Tie Kenyon’s shoelaces together and watch him fall over a lot

Tie Kenyon’s shoelaces together and watch him fall over a lot

A newly galvanised Southampton side ramped up the intensity. LSM Jake Kelly earned himself a telling off from an entirely serious Imperial attackman as he was “in danger of hurting someone”, entirely missing the irony of the situation. Captain Valentine scored a hat trick of goals while Imperial also squeezed a goal in to end the quarter 5–2.

Entering the final quarter with a head of steam built up, the Tridents denied ICL any foothold back into the game. Imperial were left more frustrated than Kenyon on his two-year dry spell, and Southampton retaining possession throughout kept the scoreboard ticking over with Jack and Andrew’s well established chemistry.

Jack racked up five assists in the half, feeding to Andrew on crease to pop in the net time and again. With the final whistle the score stood at 9-2, with Valentine scoring six, followed by Jack with two goals, and Johnny Chapman with one fast break goal.

 Would you like to write a match report for your team? Email us at [email protected]