The traumas of a traffic light party

Valentine’s day is steadily approaching. The horror. While some of you may have hot dates, swanky dinner plans or that special someone to declare your undying love to, for the rest of us, the most action we’re gonna get is getting our mitts on a Juicy Lucy.

If you’re looking to hit up J-town and hunt for some babes in amongst the sweaty crowds of the Traffic Light Party this Saturday, there are a few things you need to consider…

The golden rules are as follows. Dressing in green suggests you’re available – for dates, perhaps a cheeky grind on the dance floor or better yet, wild sex with a ravishingly gorgeous Jesters hottie (if that floats your boat).

Green, red, and yellow – this party animal is keeping us guessing!

Wearing amber is often seen as the ‘it’s complicated’ equivalent to the Facebook relationship status… that awkward moment when you’re not sure if you’re a ‘thing’ or not. Nothing’s been labelled but you’re still hopeful, so you try to be morally upright by advertising that you may indeed have a ‘thing’ with someone, simultaneously trying not to screw yourself over by dismissing other hotties incase said ‘thing’ doesn’t work out. Amber is a good choice for those wanting to play hard(er) to get when green’s too keen – you coy amber devils you.

Wearing red generally means that you’re in a monogamous relationship and are off the cards. Or, perhaps you haven’t quite got over that STI just yet and have decided to be a responsible human being.

But what if you just look sassy in red? What then? Do you have to amalgamate red and green? Flounce about in a technicolour outfit like santa’s little elf, causing confusion to potential suitors and forcing yourself to accept the questionable colour clashes that go against every piece of fashion advice you’ve ever heard?

On the surface, the traffic light party is a fun-filled, frivolous affair, but deep down, it’s a tricky little bastard, and you have to be aware of the impression you want to give out, and what you’re looking to get out of the evening overall.

If Jesters isn’t your scene, you can head to the Edge on Friday 13th (unlucky for some) for more traffic light madness.

The first thing you need to decide is whether you’re actually going to take it seriously or not. Serious traffic light goers looking for love will likely take the plunge and dress in green, they’ll give fellow Jesters goers the suggestive “I would very much like to touch your parts” eye. This may lead to a cheeky bump ‘n’ grind R. Kelly style, swapping numbers, saliva… YOU GO GLEN COCO.

However, you may be a Vals Day hater, in which case the likelihood is that you’re down for a fun night out with your pals, and will not give a monkey’s tit about looking for action. If you find yourself in this situation, whack out some sensational fancy dress and bop the night away.

The rowdy dance floor we all know too well…

Fancy dress ideas to fit the colour scheme are plentiful…Shrek, Tinkerbell, The Green Giant, (force someone to be your yellow sweetcorn?), Colonel Mustard, the Tellytubbies baby, Ali G, a Banana, Superman, Red Riding Hood, Elmo, Red from Orange is the New Black… the possibilities are endless.

Excellent effort kids. Try pulling dressed as aliens… challenge accepted! Photo credit: Nathaniel Scott

These guys are awesome. They’re embracing their inner tellytubby with pride and will be sure to catch the ladies eye in such a banterous get-up.

You may be one of those edgy types who does not want to conform to the set colour scheme. By all means wear blue, but know that you’ll be judged for being a boring little bitch.

Beware of the awkward inevitabilities. It’s always tense when you see a red getting off with a green, and you always secretly wonder whether the two reds sharing a kiss on the dance-floor are actually together or are just promiscuous, naughty little horndogs.

Further still, if you turn up as a red and (what you thought was) your significant other is rocking green, pie them off, because you, my friend, have been pied.

Whatever colour you end up going for, we hope you have a fabulous Valentine’s Day, and for all you singletons out there, know that Jesters is there for you with open arms, so buy yourself a Jesticle because you ruddy well deserve it.

Have you had any awkward traffic light encounters? Sharing is caring so tell us your most embarrassing experiences in the comments below, so that we can point and laugh and mock you to make ourselves feel better. (Just kidding.)