Points difference is overrated: Southampton cruise to 7 – 6 win

Following complaints I am sad to announce that Will Jones will no longer be writing entirely factual and unbiased match reports for SUMLC and the Soton Tab. As the biggest […]


Following complaints I am sad to announce that Will Jones will no longer be writing entirely factual and unbiased match reports for SUMLC and the Soton Tab.

As the biggest fan of SUMLC and their unique and powerful banter I, Andrew Woodings, shall endeavor to carry on in Will’s stead, though I but a mere understudy in both hyperbole and lying.

No doubt the result of a dubious men’s lax in-joke, Southampton Sabres Lacrosse beat Bristol for the third time in a row by one point, furiously raising their eyebrows and sniggering in a francophonic manner as they did so.

It's literally just banter.

It’s literally just banter.

Determined not to repeat the mistakes of the previous Bristol encounter, the Sabres hit the first quarter hard. Leander Crocker once again proved indomitable at face-off, such is the regularity of his face-off wins the ELA is considering making facing uncontested when playing SUMLC.

Shipping the ball up into offence joint top goal scorers, Jack McClelland and John Martin, stood head above the parapet of the well-gelled attack unit, working around from behind goal to score. Whilst John dodged and pirouetted to score up close, Jack scored scorching goals from outside, with time and space provided by passes whipped around the attack unit.

Having successfully pulled off a decent first quarter ending 4 – 1, Southampton decided to replace all their attack and midfield with identical clones lobotomized in such a way that they forgot how to score, and also fielded Harry Kenyon. Worst. Idea. Ever.

Second quarter was best characterized by long offences plays from Southampton creating sweet FA. This gives me a great excuse to talk about how fucking great Southampton’s defenders are on the reg, and what great guys they all are, even Bradley Durrant.

The oft dismissed most handsome and tanned group of individuals ever to grace Southwestern lacrosse with their strong backs and chizzled jawlines, Sabre’s defenders and goal stopping extraordinaire, Jon Britten, put in a three quarter shift to keep the Sabres on top.

Wished he played defence

Leandros wishes he played defence

Whilst attack rode the Bristol clear hard and provided respite for defence on occasion, it was largely hard work from Man of the Match Will Jones and his long pole colleagues that prevented Bristol running away with the game, as well as consistantly world class keeping from Captain Jon Britten. He’s rarely mentioned, but talented keepers are the lynchpin of Southampton’s game.

Realizing it was a rare opportunity for the defence to shine, Dick of the Day (again) Harry Kenyon helpfully passed to the Bristol keeper four times in a row, forcing defence to spend 15 minutes continually defending without even the opportunity to substitute. Testament to their abilities defence did not concede during this time.

Play resumed in the second half with the score 5 – 2 to the Sabres, following an accidental (and in fairness quite nice) goal from Manchester’s Clone. Wishing to conclusively prove that you don’t really need an attacker or midfielder to play a full game of lacrosse, Capt Jon substituted all of them off to replace the team with defenders.

The results were instantaneous, attractiveness shot up to an average 9.9/10, everyone played like they’d held a stick before, and there was a steep drop off in the number of shit lids and flashy shoes.

True to the well-known saying “attack men ain’t shit but hoes and tricks”, Southampton’s all bar one defensive team strategy kept the scoreboard ticking over slowly. Working the ball slowly up the field to a lone attack man and then shoving him into the goal, the defenders cleverly negated the need for him to do any independent thinking or movement.

Sadly for all involved, Harry kept somehow sneaking back onto the field at restarts. Southampton had to spend more time than they would’ve otherwise done clearing up his mess. However, being the consummate models-cum-professional athletes that they were, Southampton’s D men cruised into the final quarter with the score at 6 – 4 without too much trubz.

Despite defence clearly being much better in every way, Southampton returned to the more conventional style of lacrosse in the final quarter, fielding midfielders and attackers in midfield and attack. Thinking perhaps this would allow them to make amends, not only did all the extra fans leave when they realised 2/3s of the team were actually butters, Southampton actually came quite close to losing too.

Fortunately, Ross is almost good enough to be a defender, bossing ground balls throughout the game only to make a critical error and pass to someone else and start the defensive cycle again.

After another really not even slightly worrying 20 minute defensive period, Southampton were unmoved by the final whistle, because obviously the final result was never really in doubt. Leading scorers were Jack and John with three apiece, followed by Ben McMylor with one goal, and a special mention to Ross Worsley (narrowly avoiding MOTM), the superior Worsley who is much better at Lacrosse than his brother, according to their parents.