Soton Lax deliberately nearly lose to Bristol 2s

In an effort to reshuffle the mundane 200-0 to Southampton match reports, the Sabres intentionally won 11 – 10 in the last five minutes away at Bristol in a very satirical and moustache twiddling fashion.

Southampton casually strolled up to Bristol three hours early in order to properly tire themselves out before the game, discussing how many goals they should let Bristol get ahead by, moaning about their hangovers and injury rife team.

As the first quarter commenced it was clear Bristol were in on the joke, scoring several goals from crease. Jon, his grin hidden behind his helmet, threw the onlookers off the scent with theatrical “OOPS, NOT AGAIN” and a few “OH SILLY ME”’s as he feebly swooshed his net around vaguely at the ball.

The defenders too kept up the charade by stomping around and shouting, even throwing in a few checks, though not too hard obviously. Having reached their quota that quarter in goals conceded, Southampton’s attack unit perked up. They stopped throwing the ball meekly into Bristol’s keeper’s shins and popped a couple of goals on to the top shelf, closing the quarter out 3 – 2 to Bristol.

After a stern telling off from Capt. Jon, Leander once again proved a douche for putting his personal face off record above the need for some close games for all the fans to enjoy, winning all the face offs and pinging it to Ben McMylor on the wing.

Ben to his credit had to work hard to creatively lose the ball without it being obvious that we were trying to concede possession, Alexander Hustler too refused to play ball and combined Southampton won 100% of the face offs.

This time Southampton opened proceedings. Resisting the urge to score literally fucking loads of goals like he would have done if he wanted to, Jack McClelland only scored one goal. Bristol had steamed ahead to 5 – 3 by the end of the quarter, defence treading the fine line between looking as though they were not trying and actually trying and easily winning possession back.

Some pretty rogue ideas were thrown about at half time, high on oranges and monster energy drink the defence suggested they start playing their brand new play they’d made up ten minutes ago. Attackers, being full of shit and twice as smelly as per, piped up chatting all sorts of shit like “bro stick to the plan”, “this is meant to be a close game”, and “don’t touch me there, that’s weird” but declined when offered to 1 v 1.

They were, however, right. The defence unintentionally stopped all but one goal. Quick thinking from goalie Jon saved the day, showing once again why he’s captain and passing it straight to an unmarked attack man provided an easy goal for Bristol. This combined with some very convincing crap shooting from Ben from midfield actually made it look like we were all just playing badly – we weren’t though, we’re really, really good. Back on track, Southampton ended the quarter 6 – 4.

Finally the fourth quarter came around, Southampton obviously weren’t worried about losing so left it to the last five minutes of the game to score all their goals. Aided by a cheeky two minute penalty from Bristol’s defender (we really appreciate you being so on-board with the joke mate) the Sabres slipped in some sensual goals, raising the hair on the Bristol Keepers neck as it whistled past, and resulting in some audible OOH!’s from a few of Southampton’s large travelling fan contingent.

The penalties came at the cost (arguably a benefit) of Kenyon’s wrists, having been struck with some enthusiasm off the ball by some pretty rachet checking. Kenyon was all in favour however, as this was easily the most interesting thing to have happened to him all week.

Thrilling the crowd to hernia inducing, bum clenching levels, Southampton drew ahead 11 – 10 in the dying moments of the game, presumably with a spectacular goal by someone on our team.

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