Southampton Lacrosse crush Bournemouth 16 – 4

In a dominant performance home at Wide Lane to a large Bournemouth side, the Southampton Tridents smashed their opponent’s collective back door in with a girthful 16 – 4 victory.  […]


In a dominant performance home at Wide Lane to a large Bournemouth side, the Southampton Tridents smashed their opponent’s collective back door in with a girthful 16 – 4 victory. 

Vice Capt. Jack behind the back passes to Andrew Valentine

Vice Capt. Jack behind the back passes to Andrew Valentine

Tridents opened proceedings with an unusually robust show of strength early in the game both in attack and defence. Leander Crocker, who’s consistency at face off was the strong base from which Southampton launched the majority of their attacks, performed a flawless pinch and pop and flew into Bournemouth half.

After several shots off target joint top goal scorer Jack McClelland gave Bournemouth the old reach around, scoring from a darting run from behind cage, his first of three goals in the quarter.

In a similar display of individual skill Andrew Valentine, also joint top for goals scored, put his thumb firmly on the of top of the ball to securely hold it in his stick as he burgled his first of seven goals, popping it in the net after wading through four defenders.

Defence took no prisoners, asserting their authority early doors, dispossessing Bournemouth at every opportunity and allowing only one freak goal in at the cost of many bruised ribs. Bournemouth joined Southampton on the scoreboard, ending the quarter 4 -1 to the Tridents.

The second quarter again was a flurry of Southampton shots and Bournemouth players getting beaten up in midfield and attack. Bournemouth struggled to get possession south of the halfway line, furious wrap checking and shoulder charges from the strong midfield trio of Henry Smith, Leander, and Andy Potterton kept Bournemouth players and the ball on the floor, the latter readily scooped up by Man of the Match Jake Kelly.

Valentine this quarter led on goals, scoring two, again bumbling through Bournemouth’s disorganised defence in a roughshod fashion to score with before flopping into crease (this tumble isn’t quite accurately described by “crease dive”, think more cow-tipping and less diving board).

Defence denied any and all attempts on goal, having established their lack of outside shooting ability and shutting off crease completely, Will Jones throwing someone into the side of the goal, and even Keeper Chris Lee running out of goal to smash over an over-zealous attacker. Bournemouth were unable to get onto the scoreboard this quarter leaving Southampton to pull away to close the half 7 -1.

Cupid step lacrosse

The most important half in Southampton Lacrosse’s history commenced, allowing me to not bother talking about Harry Kenyon’s goal in the third quarter because literally no one cares. Jake Kelly, recently single, keen for the rebound, and hungry like a hippo for those ground ball pickups, thundered onto the field. His size 12 huarache’s spitting fire and brimstone in his wake, Jake blazed towards the centre of the field leaving his much less impressive Bournemouth counterpart to gaze in awe at his phresh-to-death calf bands. Leander felt a calming presence in his consciousness, and inhuman strength bolstered his tired chicken legs. Through the power of Jake he easily conquered his opponent, crushing him into the crumb and popping the ball out to the towering Kelly who easily cushioned the ball into his andrex-esque pocket.

Physically breaking a nameless Bournemouth midfielder’s ankles, trampling shards of bones as he ran him down, Jake thundered down the pitch towards cage. Southampton attackers’ sticks hung limply at their sides, though Jake selflessly looked for the pass he knew that he would finally finish a goal for himself.

Gliding through Bournemouth’s flaccid defence like a slipper covered in goose fat, Jake held his six-foot pole aloft. Thunder struck the deep black tip of his Nike Vapour giving the pole an ethereal glow as it sliced through the air, unleashing easily a 200Mph shot through the goalkeepers chest, punching a hole in the net before breaking up in the atmosphere.

Onlookers wept for joy, all two of them, for finally a long pole had scored, today truly was a day of days.

Other people scored, game ended 16 – 4, Cupid 7, Jack 7, Harry 1, Jake Kelly 1. Bournemouth limped home, with a gait reminiscent of a Solent student with one too many Lego pieces in its rectum.