There's no need to be upset, UWE

An on form Southampton side come away with a clean sheet away at UWE after a tremendous midfield performance coupled with clinical attacking play. Away at the Quagmire of UWE […]


An on form Southampton side come away with a clean sheet away at UWE after a tremendous midfield performance coupled with clinical attacking play.

Sweet, sweet, new stash.

Sweet, sweet, new stash. Image: Lawrie Brailey

Away at the Quagmire of UWE 2’s pitch Southampton made their intentions clear from the offset, to clinch the title win the Tridents needed a strong performance and a big goal difference.

First quarter was an uncharacteristically strong start for the Tridents, only on one occasion did UWE attempt a shot on goal, Southampton’s midfield did a tasty job of dispossessing any south-of-the-halfway hopefuls allowing attack to pile on the pressure. An inexperienced UWE team were easily drawn out to the fringes, allowing in goal after goal on crease. Such was the furious onslaught the mayor of Bristol George Ferguson announced they would be tearing down the war memorial and replacing it with a statue of a Trident. Yusuke Miyazaki opened proceedings with a solid fast break goal, and veteran midfielder Sam Marshall joined the party after deciding that he would not be giving up scoring for lent, having previous been crowned crossbar champion 2k14 with a strong 50 shot streak over two games, a well deserved goal after bossing ground balls all game long. Yusuke Miyazaki, a workhorse in midfield, took a questionable check and dislocated his shoulder early in the quarter. After a quick breather, and presumably after putting his shoulder back in its socket, he recovered well and went on to score another two goals later in the game. Andrew “Cupid” Valentine managed only four in the first quarter, we’ve had words and he’s promised to do better, closing the quarter 7 – 0.

The second quarter proceeded in much the same way; defence quite literally did nothing as stellar face off play from freshman Leander Crocker eluded a fresher counterpart winning possession off of every face off throughout the game. “We’re all very proud of him and he’s come a long way”, Cupid tells me with tears in his eyes as Leander, having lost the use of his left arm apparently, dodged one-handed into more than enough defenders, somehow emerging with his arm and his bid for man-of-the-match still intact, and evening managing to score, the lovable scamp! Sometime later Ben “Manchester” McMylor plopped a ball through the goalies legs after some interpretive crank-dancing, a 10 second homage to the bitter-sweet chill of his homeland (he’s from Stockport). Starting defender Andrew “Swiss” Pelly found himself in attack, and with a short pole no less, off the back of some mad Swisschester action scored his first of three goals to close the quarter 13 – 0. The soft pitter patter of UWE’s goalkeeper’s tears trickling onto his boots was just audible as UWE trudged off the pitch, with a gait reminiscent of “the dropping of the soap in the shower” incident at HMP Bristol earlier that month.

The second half of the game UWE rallied slightly, allowing in only 4 goals and equaling their scoring in the first half. Swiss opened the scoring with a well-worked team goal off a fast break, followed shortly by Cupid, the slippery bugger, sneaking his way through their attack for the seventh time in the game. DJ Easy Fresh Hype, sick as a dog of providing champagne standard feeds, decided to pirouette past a few defenders and pop it in the net. Worried he might not be mentioned in the match report midway through the page and in the third quarter, Manchester provided the fourth goal, closing the third quarter 17 – 0.

The final quarter, Cupid did a “really good” crease dive to leaven the mundane procession of goals sweeping into UWE’s goal. UWEs keeper made some good saves, but couldn’t live with the volume of shots after his defenders had been totally routed by a physical and skilful flare of panache and grace from the Tridents attacking unit, now in top gear, playing the defence like a marionette. Swisschester managed a combined two goals, adding to Cupid’s two. Fittingly Yusuke closed the game with a effortless shot into the bottom left corner, capitalizing on a ground ball scramble from a defence in panic after 80 minutes of total dominance. Top goal scorer Andrew Valentine with 10 goals was joined by Manchester on four, closely followed by Yusuke and Andrew Pelly both on three. Jamie-Joe Morton bemulleted in his Chevy, inbreededly contributed one, a feat equaled by stand out face off specialist and man of match Leander Crocker, as well as veteran linchpin in midfield Sam Marshall.

Shh, no tears, only dreams now…