The 'English' Premier League Is Back

So the Premier League has started, with the promoted teams already looking like they might struggle, and the new managers at the top hitting the ground running, here’s The Tab’s look at the season to come.

Champions

In all honesty nobody knows. Man United are being ruled out already due to the loss of Ferguson, but they have been dismissed many times before and have always pulled through. Jose Mourinho is almost certain to fall out with Abramovich after the second honeymoon period and Man City have done a complete 180 from the highly defensive approach to a free-flowing attacking style. A lot of big matches are in August and September which will give us a far greater insight into who’s going to take the title.

Relegation

Well the 3 promoted teams obviously, but then that’s virtually what every pundit says and they’re getting paid for their ‘informed’ opinion. There’s also numerous other teams that could find themselves at the bottom, Norwich and Sunderland have invested heavily in some relative unknowns, Newcastle will be hoping the French revolution at le Park Saint James works and Sparky will be aiming for his two new left backs to sort their goal scoring problems out.

Europe

PSG and tax-dodgers Monaco look set the contest Ligue 1 with Lyon and Marseille struggling behind due to severe variations in funding  (nice to see not just the Premier League being taken over by lucky rich foreigners). The Bundesliga looks like being reminiscent of a 100m with Usain Bolt, you know who’s going to win just not sure by how far. Dortmund will be up there but without the funds, and traitor Gotze, they will struggle to mount a season long challenge. La Liga will still be the classic two-horse race, Barca’s defending won’t improve and Real are still in need of a world-class striker. Finally the simple fact remains – Ronaldo is brilliant but Messi is streets ahead and virtually guaranteed to make the difference. Italy is still the most competitive team in Europe – Juventus are favourites with overhauled Napoli their most likely challengers with the two Milan clubs still struggling financially.

Luis Suarez

After impersonating Tom Daley’s diving, the racism of Mel Gibson and eating like Hannibal Lector over the past one and a half years, Suarez will be sure to continuing to add to the rap sheet only beaten by Mario Balotelli. Your guess is as good as mine what he’ll ‘decide’ to do next but look out for a Zidane-esque headbutt, illegal betting or spontaneous kick boxing match.

The Mourinho Factor

Apparently this ‘thing’ will make the difference for Chelsea this year, he’s known for his ability to secure the 1-0 win – loved in Italy and the reason why Madrid fans turned against him, so not exactly the most attractive football. He will though get the best out of oldies Lampard and Terry and look to blood Lukaku into the first team in a Drogba role. The other side of Mourinho will no doubt raise its head with the inevitable media conference tantrum or wind up, or the  previously mentioned Abramovich face off, especially given they didn’t want to end up with each other this season (Mourinho wanted United, Abramovich wanted Guardiola).

The Pundits

This year the spotlight will be on the battle between BT and Sky, Jake Humphrey looks comfortable as host but the rest of the team don’t exactly feel you with confidence. McManaman was barely used on ESPN, David James looks like he’s been struck by lightning and Owen is as good on the mic as Ray Wilkins. Sky’s big signing this year is a move into helping the underprivileged with the eloquent tones of Jamie Carragher now set to perform expert analysis next to his new ‘frweind’ Gary Neville. Don’t expect Sky to resort to a translator for us Southern folk but maybe indicate how we can turn our subtitles on(remember those?). BBC are still secure will Shearer, Hansen and Lawrenson with idiot on feet Robbie Savage for some reason still employed, he’s more of troll then the people who talk about SUSU politics. They’ve also brought in bubbly personality of Danny Murphy to add more live to the show…

Saints

And yes Southampton look set for a good season but you probably have worked that out already thanks to a few rather gushing articles due to theirs and Lambert’s good start to the season. The Tab will be keeping you up to date with all the latest news from Southampton FC, the Premier League and the rest of the football world throughout the season.