Top Ten (Almost Humane) Ways To Rid Southampton Of @PeregrineFalc

Yes, she has Twitter. And yes, I am assuming her gender, due to a ferocious maternal instinct, general stubbornness, and evident hormonal mood swings. Anyone on Vodafone in Southampton will have cursed this bird at some point in the past few weeks, for she’s persistently irritating at the very worst of times; reminiscent of a pesky jesters one night stand who refuses to leave, even after you pass over their coat and mumble something about an important 10am lecture. 

Dennis certainly has the right idea. Image: LADShaw Photoshopping Inc

1)      Dress up as a male falcon, and tell her you want to elope.

2)      Hack her computer and create her a Plenty Of Fish (Birds?) account. After all, Daddy Falc is clearly not coming back. Eat some Ben & Jerry’s and get over it, luv.

3)      Shepherd her away using a trained horde of SUSU ducks.

4)      Construct a giant slingshot, Angry Birds style. Then launch her off the roof. First one to knock down the maths tower wins.

5)      Set SUSU the cat on her. Not to kill mind, as we all know SUSU is, well…a pussy. Just to maim slightly.

6)      Grab the Surge Radio team, and play ‘The Wind Beneath My Wings’ on repeat beneath her nesting place until she’s so emotional that she needs to come down for a hug.

7)      Create a decoy nest using Valley Garden twigs, a selection of golf balls and stick on feathers from Winchester School of Art. Bound to work…those art students can be very creative!

8)      Wake up, throw open the window, and sing to Mother Nature, Disney-style. Sure, the Portswood rats will come scurrying into your bedroom too, but at least you can command them to make you a dress for Grad Ball.

9)      Break into the RSPB headquarters, and swap her ‘protected’ file with that of the common pigeon.

10)   Buy a shotgun. Purely a provisional measure, of course.

Do you have any ideas to add? Let us know in the comments section! Oh, and remember…in this case, the bird is most certainly not the word.