Studying With Psychosis

Concentrating on modules for long periods of time is demanding for any student, but if you’re also having thoughts about stabbing front door keys through your cheek, worrying your peers all laugh about you, or you’re hallucinating at night and hearing a voice that wants to kill you, graduation is the farthest thing from your mind.

In the past month or so I’ve developed better coping mechanisms, but it can take me up to an hour to simply pack my bag for Uni, because I’ll be distracted by my own thoughts, or so agitated and upset when I can’t find my things straight away that I’ll waste the next ten minutes with my hands over my ears and sobbing, trying to block out the world.

In my first year at university, I handed in essays that were fluent in nonsense. At the time, I thought I’d achieved earth-shattering insight in them, but upon re-reading a few months later (with a score of 32 attached) I realised my words made no sense at all. I was too embarrassed to turn up to any more lectures for that module and failed the exam.

It’s not just studying which is problematic – it’s also hard to socialise. I want to see my friends because I enjoy their company but it still doesn’t feel like we have a proper friendship because I sit and stare in to space, so preoccupied by my own thoughts. This is compounded by fear that they perceive my quiet, aloof presence negatively.

One of my friends thought that I hated them until they were reassured by others that I’m just a bit odd in social situations. Some see this aloofness and they think it means I’m arrogant, up myself and need to get over myself, when actually it’s generally true that ‘abnormal’ behaviours of this kind derive from past trauma and low self-esteem.

One of the hardest things for me since starting university has been the formation of emotional attachments to students who are just a bit more understanding than the rest. I’ll never get back the hours wasted wondering when that  ‘inevitable’ romance would flourish, punching and slapping myself in the face because a critical inner voice told me nobody in their right mind would choose me.. only to realise later that I probably imagined the whole thing anyway.

Ultimately though, I’m very lucky. I’ve not been as disabled by mental illness as some people are.

Mental illness affects 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 people in the UK. depending on which study you’re looking at, and there’ll be many people on campus who experience symptoms of psychosis on a daily basis. I believe we need to build a personal understanding of these issues if university is to truly be the enabling, positive experience it’s supposed to be for everyone.

If you’re worried about yourself or a friend having a mental health issue, don’t hesitate to contact first support.