BREAKING: CRAZED PIZZA MINESWEEPER OPERATING IN STAGS

Yes, you did read that right, a pizza minesweeper is operating in the Stags area.

First sighted in the early hours of Saturday (yesterday) evening, the crazed male pizza thief was observed by Stags bar staff to be around 5’9″ in height with longish hair, sporting a strong accent, possibly French.

When questioned about his pizza-stealing antics – the gentleman in question proceeded to tour Stags and eat and collect various crusts and left over pizza slices – he could not see how strange his actions were, instead choosing to laugh it off and continue.

A certain, unnamed SUSU insider had this to say:

It was traumatic to watch, one of the girls was beside herself and was crying uncontrollably with fear. He’s obviously feeling the pinch so is having a pinch of other people’s food.

The minesweeper in question could have many minions working with him

Staff and customers are asked to keep their distance from this demented food-thief for your own safety.

At the time of publication, no photographic evidence of the suspect has been brought forward but rumour has it that the traumatised SUSU bar staff are working with local pizza-based authorities to create an E-FIT facial simulation.
By all means attempt photographing this person from a safe distance, much like everyone in the latest episode of Black Mirror do, but do not approach.

The Tab will bring you more on this as it develops. If you’ve been affected, tweet us or send us a message on Facebook.