3 Parody President Candidates

This year’s race for SUSU President features three of the seven candidates running in a troll role aiming to put the fun back into the elections season. 

Manifesto ideas range from buying a SUSU branded aeroplane, having the earliest lectures starting at 11am and stopping the Stag’s from smelling of urine. Many inspirations of candidate pledges can probably be drawn from 2011’s Derek Mallinson, it’s nice to see his legacy still causing havoc amongst SUSU elections.

First up is Jim Dykes, a third year engineer with a controversial, although topical, campaign slogan of “Jim’ll fix it”. Dykes offers by far the most interesting manifesto which is sure to target the right-winged dwellers of the political spectrum. Jim’s short and sweet bullet-pointed manifesto offers a no-nonsense approach to SUSU politics.

[spoiler effect=”blind” show=”Check out Jim’s Manifesto here” hide=”Hide Jim’s Manifesto”]

– Close down ‘The Cube’

– Better Air Conditioning in the Library

– Close down SU run restaurants and shop and encourage private investment such as Starbucks/Subway/McDonald’s etc

– Stop the Stag’s Head smelling of piss

– Get rid of the Gash Union Stash in the SU shop

– Change the name of the ‘Safety Bus’ to the ‘Party Bus’ and make it free of charge

– Scan every book and microfilm in Hartley Library to be accessed via University VPN or within the Library

– Introduce University wide dress code of smart/casual

– Close down SUSU TV and Surge Radio

[/spoiler]

 

The Tab’s very own Michelle Dando is running for Queen of SUSU. Armed with a mirror and make-up bag, Shelly claims to have “the welly to pull SUSU’s socks up”.

In her manifesto, Tab favourite Dando, pledges to revamp the SUSU Shop to have a Hollister them of low-level lighting, topless male models and hot preppy girls. Shelly also has plans to introduce a new Sabb position of VP Hair and Nails alongside ambitions of banning ugly people from campus.

[spoiler effect=”blind” show=”Check out Michelle’s Manifesto here” hide=”Hide Michelle’s Manifesto”]

Hi Beauts! As you probably know, my name’s Michelle Dando and I AM your future SUSU President! Now you’ve clicked on this you won’t need to read any other President manifestos. It doesn’t get any better than this! xoxo

I’m focusing on four key areas which I feel need drastic improvement to make your Uni experience better!

Social Life:

• Shut down the Cube and change it into a beauty parlour to ensure that you are looking your best when going out somewhere actually acceptable.
• Lobby SUSU to pay for a VIP section in Jesters.
• Include my own specially selected beauty packs in Freshers’ and ReFreshers’ packs to help you integrate and socialise more easily (guaranteed to work 60% of the time, every time).
• Speed dating every night of the week. Only hotties allowed!

Academic Help:

• Earliest lectures to start at 11AM – we need beauty sleep, and some people need plenty of time in the morning to do their make-up!
• Ban ugly people from campus – they are so distracting!
• Paint ALL buildings on campus with green glitter – except the maths tower…that can be bulldozed and replaced with a ferris wheel.
• Compulsory module in ‘Life Skills’ for ALL students taught by me, where you can learn how to be a beautiful and altogether better person.
• Replace BA and BSc degrees with the initials ‘MD’ in honour of me!
• Personal stylists for all students.

Facilities:

• Monorail to get you up Chuch Lane.
• Only hot people are allowed in the gym.
• Mirrors in all desks.
• More photobooths in SUSU so you can take photos of yourself any time of the day.
• Install a helicopter pad on top of Hartley to allow for easy London shopping trips!
• Have an array of aftershave and perfume avaliable in all bathrooms so everyone can smell beautiful at ALL times!
• Change the old Q-Burger hatch at Glen Eyre into a Kissing Booth (sorry guys, I won’t be avaliable all the time!)

Changing YOUR union for the better:

• Introduce a waitress service in the Cafe.
• Makeover the Union Shop Hollister-style – i.e low level lighting at all times, topless male models, hot preppy girls and the odd pot plant, thus providing a much more classy retail experience for students when buying their milk and ready meals.
• Create a Uni Of Southampton emblazoned prom dress, available to purchase for Grad Ball.
• Staff uniform changes to make them all wear ball gowns, preferably from Brides of Southampton.
• Statue of my wonderful self in the middle of the concourse for daily student inspiration.
• Improved Uni-Link buses – my face on the front and my rear so you can peer on the back!
• Add a VP Hair and Nails to ensure your needs are better met.

Why ME?! 

If my manifesto points haven’t already convinced you, my personality will! I’m beautiful, amazing and wonderful! I’m known throughout the University, and have many influential links – Arlene Phillips is my second cousin’s wife’s best friend, and my brother’s best friend’s brother almost appeared on Take Me Out last year

If you’d like to ask me anything, just send me a Facebook message or tweet me – I’m always looking to expand my connections! 😉 xoxo

[/spoiler]

Saving the best until last, is SUSU crew member and biomed student David Cattermole with some hilarious manifesto ideas. Some pledges include building a free ice rink on the intercourse, the Sabb job title to change to “epic sexy banter officer” and they’ll be forced to wear SUSU branded onesies at work.

[spoiler effect=”blind” show=”Check out David’s Manifesto here” hide=”Hide David’s Manifesto”]

 

I know that no one really wants to read these things… But obviously you have to read something so here is what I plan to achieve if I’m voted in:

 

• SUSU-branded airplane to take the VP Student Communities to the Malaysia campus;
• The Safety bus will be nominated for ‘Pimp My Ride’
• El presidente will ride around SUSU on a Segway, as a way of showing his superiority
• All ECS students will be conscripted to build a Teleportation device which we will use to get student to and fro from Winchester Campus.
• Money from the Teleportation device will go towards a campaign to free the ECS slaves.
• Tunnels under campus opened to students, so they can walk to buildings without getting wet when it rains (and campus wont have to close when it snows :D)

• Mandatory Uniform for all Sabbs… (SUSU branded onesies of course)
• Stags will be refurbed with oxygen bars at the back
• Subway on campus (food of course)
• Pasta dish and soup of the day will be removed from the Bridge menu or actually served for the first time.

• The Cube will be filled with giant scratching posts and catnip, and re-named “SUSU’s Palace”.
• Bar 3 and Bar 2 will be renamed Bar 2 and Bar 3 respectively.
• The Sabbs office will be called ‘The epic sexy banter pad’ and the sabbs will be known as ‘epic sexy banter officers’ or ESBO’s for short.
• The Boulder Room will be knocked through to SUSUtv and a gigantic media centre will be set up.
• The back of SUSU will be turned into a MASSIVE climbing wall.
• Piazza will be bought from the Uni and turned into a gigantic Playzone with Paint-balling.
• Level 5 will be added and a huge slide will be installed from the roof of level 5 to Valley Gardens.

 

• During winter months the Intercourse will have an ice rink set up on it, with free skate hire.
• Uni Buildings will be numbered with some form of logical order.
• An escalator will be installed at the maths building… with ski slopes. 😀
• A ginger cat will be rescued from RSPCA and named SUSU Mk2.
• When Freshers realise there is more to nightlife than ‘nightlife’ the Cube will hold Halo/COD tournaments set up on the cinema screen.
• Every Friday the squash courts will be turned into ball pits, filled up to the balcony.

• For the entertainment of students: a student will be selected to dress up as GoKu, and one will dress up as Superman. They will then have a fight off on the Intercourse to see who is the ultimate champion of the universe…
• SUSU constitution will be updated to follow the rules laid out by ‘The Lad Bible’.
• All Geographers will be given a pack of Crayola in their Fresher packs.
• Promise to shoot down any ideas of NUS Referendum.

 

Let’s bring a spark back to SUSU so vote for PiKaChu.

[/spoiler]

This evening at 6pm, the presidential candidates will be battling it out in the Bridge Bar to show off their manifestos. As always, the Soton Tab will be live blogging and bringing our usual wit to your computer screens.