How to be a Sports Centre STUD

Being a jock in the 21st century is a lot harder than it used to be. Gone are the days when you could just turn up at the gym, lift a few weights and go home. Nowadays, there’s a complex social code that you have to follow, full of unwritten rules and subtle nuances. If you want to fit in with the elite few who comprise the Jubilee Jocks, then you’re going to have to follow these rules…

ALWAYS LOOK YOUR BEST

With the rise of pages like Spotted: Sport and Wellbeing, it’s more important than ever to make sure you’re looking fly at all times:

If you don’t know you look good, then what’s the point?

• Always style your hair before going to the gym. It doesn’t matter that you’re going to wash it out immediately afterwards – you’re practically naked without it.
• Start buying all your clothes from the children’s section – it’ll accentuate your pecs and give you a tight fit around your biceps. Guaranteed to get everyone staring in admiration/envy at your massive gains.
• Don’t sweat. Ever. Contrary to popular belief, the gym is not the place to exert yourself. Since the gym is an ideal place to pick up birds, it’s best to avoid any actual exercise, ‘cos nobody is turned on by the smell of BO and sweat patches seeping through your shorts. Your time would be better spent flexing in the mirror, working on your ego rather than any of your muscles.
• You can’t wear the same outfit in the gym more than once per week. No exceptions.

DON’T BE A CHEAPSKATE

If you want to pick up a fine piece of posh totty, like Michelle Dando for example, then you’re going to have to flash the cash. Don’t bring your strawberry-flavoured protein shake in an empty coke bottle – make sure you have an expensive-looking container, preferably with your chosen brand of supplements clearly marked on it.
The same goes for other accessories. Headphones, for example: if you can’t afford a pair of Beats by Dr Dre, then you really don’t belong in the gym, and probably never will.

DON’T RE-RACK WEIGHTS

Yes, there may be signs in the gym politely asking you to do so, but following instructions is for losers. You’re not a loser, are you?

MAKE NOISE WHILE EXERCISING

Scream, shout, squeal, whatever. If the whole gym isn’t looking to see who’s making that weird noise, then you’re clearly not working hard enough.

TAKE PEOPLE’S EQUIPMENT

It doesn’t matter that the guy who just left his bench unattended still has another five sets to go, take it – you snooze, you lose. This is the perfect way to assert your dominance in the gym. If you’re unsure how to go about it, then start by taking a piece of equipment off someone smaller than you.

DON’T GET TOO BIG

Just awful

Sorry to disappoint all you pumped-up meatheads, but girls don’t go for the steroid-user look anymore. These days it’s all about being skinny and ripped, like Joey Essex. So eat lots of plain chicken, drink plenty of water and don’t even think about going near carbs unless you want to die alone.

MUSIC

It’s important to have some bangin’ tunez on your iPod to keep you motivated during that final set. Some examples of songs to help you get hench can be found here, here and here.

SPORTS OUTSIDE THE GYM

You need to join a sports team if you want to make it with the in-crowd, however think carefully before you sign yourself up. Nobody is impressed when you tell them you’re on the tennis team, or that you sail competitively. You need to take up a real sport, so join the motor racing team or the bull fighting society.
Also, be careful when it comes to contact sports, such as rugby or martial arts, as these could result in an injury to the face (i.e. the money-maker). Because of this, most people who choose to play such sports have nothing to lose if their face gets smashed up, making them formidable opponents.

THE COUPLE THAT TRAINS TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER

Bring your girlfriend to the gym to spot you while you bench press. There’s no point working out if there isn’t someone there to watch and admire you.

SKIP LEG DAY

Looking HAWT

People always say “bros don’t let other bros skip leg day”, however this is an urban legend. Having smaller legs will make your torso look bigger anyway. Besides, if you’ve been working out properly, then nobody is going to be looking at your legs… or just don’t wear shorts.