Getting Laid in Southampton – tips from the Wessex Wolf

I’m the resident University of Southampton Wolf, clinically diagnosed with an obsession with sex. I enjoy floral white wine, blue cheese and the smell of fresh mahogany. For so long people have asked me: “The Wessex Wolf, what is your secret?”. Here are my tips and techniques to woo a woman on a night out.

Looking sexy for the ladies in Hartley

Rule number 1: Create a good first impression. When you initially meet a lady on a night out, first impressions are everything. You can either try and reel them in with your drink-fuelled charm, or try my approach. It is simpler, and far more effective. It is a well-known fact in the wolf-world that every woman, no matter what species, loves a bit of hair on their fella. The more the better. I’ve often heard the classic “you know what they say; big hair, big…”. Yes. My personal meet and greet technique and, one that is known to work wonders, is to demonstrate my impressive groin growth before they can even introduce themselves. Want to make her fall (temporarily) in love with you? It’s easy. Flash them at first glance. Even wave it about a bit. Just make sure they see every angle of your hairy love tool. It will leave an excellent first impression.

Rule number 2: Chat up lines are your best friend. I’ll set the scene; voluptuous blonde is sitting at the bar sipping a Tropical VK and The Wessex Wolf (TWW) strolls over to her. Although she looks afraid, TWW confidently strokes her thigh and says “I’ve heard sex is a killer, want to die happy?”. Before you know it you’re round the back of Aldi. Done. Or, you could go down the ‘blind wolf’ route and bust out the “can I read your dress in braille?” classic. However, it is vital that you judge what type of girl you have got yourself talking to. In certain occasions you may have to pull out the big guns, reserved only for the rare times that they are ABSOLUTELY necessary. “If I flip a coin what are my chances of getting head?”. 100% success rate.

Rule number 3: Don’t be yourself. Lie about everything to the girl. From the size of your tail to your magic number, she always wants them to be bigger. Even more important is how you act in the bedroom. Women love it when you imitate different animals and I personally recommend the chicken ‘cluck’ (unless you’re a chicken). The confusion will keep you mysterious and ensure she comes back for more.

Rule number 4: Make her spend her own money. The independent women of 2k13 like to be reminded of their independence. With the feminist army increasing in numbers day by day (see Feminist Tab article), it is important to avoid offence when approaching a potential mating partner. Gone are the days of a quick drink together by the stream whilst you compliment the way she’s done her eyebrows. No, in 2013 it is crucial that you make her buy you a drink. Seeming hesitant? She’s obviously just shy. Don’t let it phase you. In fact, my top tip would be to wolf-shuffle along to LMFAO in a ruse to get her closer to the bar, whilst exclaiming: “OH I AM EVER SO THIRSTY AFTER GNAWING THAT SPARROW TO DEATH EARLIER. SUCH A SHAME I LEFT MY MONEY POUCH AT HOME”. Trust me, she will be craving a bit of wolf meat in no time.

Rule number 5: Constantly compare her to your past lovers. There’s nothing better than helping a girl self-improve by making her compare herself to other women. Whether this be hunting skills, needlework or bedroom antics is up to you. I would recommend that you delve deep into past sexual exploits, as many as possible, so that she can learn from your past lovers and work out where she’s going wrong. Personally, I particularly like doing it outside with the full moon at my back. I would use tales of my past lovers to communicate this. Not only will comparisons enhance your own experience, it will also improve her skills for future encounters. The more you compare her to your past lovers, the more she will develop as a person. Or a wolf. Or any other animal.

I hope these tricks of the trade will improve your success rate of pulling girls on a night out. I have every faith in you.
Remember, as George Carlin said, “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” Don’t make tonight be that night. Go forth and howl.

For any more pearls of wisdom from the Wessex Wolf, find him on Twitter @WessexWolf.