What To Expect From 2013

2013 is nearly here: the year of the Snake, the year Grand Theft Auto 2 is thought to be set in, the 13th/14th (whatever) year of the 3rd Millennium and the year […]


2013 is nearly here: the year of the Snake, the year Grand Theft Auto 2 is thought to be set in, the 13th/14th (whatever) year of the 3rd Millennium and the year of…

New to Southampton:

  • Completion of new Chamberlain halls – Finally, South Hill residents will get a lie in, although not until August when they all have to leave…
  • Another closure of Voodoo – Expected around November, it’s traditional (the article is already written).

‘Entertainment’:

As if anyone ever thought he was normal anyway

As if anyone ever thought he was normal anyway

  • Yewtree developments – No doubt a few more of our parents’ childhood heroes will be investigated for their ‘antics’.
  • Celebrity Big Brother – It’s been said that Christopher Maloney and Katie Price will be taking part (and will then get married afterwards, standard).
  • Lewis releases a new series. Predictable but Laurence Fox is hot!
  • Sherlock returns for its third series, with the dazzling Benedict Cumberbatch. If you recall the ending to the last series, Sherlock died, but we cannot imagine 6 episodes of Martin Freeman doing, well, nothing.
  • The last X Factor series contracted to ITV – Still no Cheryl though, at least we can continue with Tulisa’s sex video jokes for another year.
  • Helen Fielding finally starts work on the new Bridget Jones and we cannot wait to regain an excuse to wear huge pants (perhaps having the opposite effect of 50 Shades of Grey).
  • Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have a child- My close friend and source, Jay-Z said it could pop out as early as July. The only people that are actually excited are the OK! editors.
  • A new series of River Monsters with Jeremy Wade starts and trust me, this is the best thing on TV. David Attenborough returns on the 2/1/2013 at 9pm with ‘Africa’, something that is expected to get the nation hooked on well, wildlife antics in Africa.
  • Numerous cancellations of festivals – With massive festivals such as Sonisphere and Big Chill already cancelled, we wonder how many other festivals will struggle to get headline acts, or how many of these will cancel their appearances? Hopefully Glastonbury will cancel The Rolling Stones (a strong rumuor) and they will be replaced with Emeli Sande so those without tickets have something to laugh at.

Movies will include:

9 years later

9 years later

  • Jurassic Park 3D,
  • Scary Movie 5,
  • another Star Trek,
  • The Great Gatsby,
  • Trance- the new Danny Boyle thriller,
  • another Fast and Furious (6),
  • The Hangover 3,
  • After Earth featuring Will and Jaden Smith,
  • Hunger Games 2,
  • Anchorman 2 (FINALLY),
  • The Hobbit 2 (yawn!),
  • Monster’s Inc 2,
  • Oblivian with Tom Cruise,
  • World War Z- some zombie thing with Brad Pitt,
  • Paranormal Activity 5
  • and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 (number 1 is possibly the greatest animated film ever).
  • It seems the motto of 2013 cinema is grab a film and whack a number after it. Not much originality going on there then.

New music from:

  • Drake – Everyone’s favourite rap/philosopher
  • Biffy Clyro – I have nothing to say cause they suck
  • Azealia Banks – An album discussing getting ‘eaten’
  • 50 Cent – ‘Street King Immortal’, taking influence from Harry Potter
  • Eminem – Headlining Reading & Leeds….it was inevitable
  • Katy Perry
  • Jessie J- she’s delayed her tour in order to ‘work on it’, so we’re expecting big things
  • Justin Bieber (Believe 2.0)
  • Lady Gaga
  • Akon – But we want it ‘right now, now, now, now now’
  • Avril Lavigne
  • Backstreet Boys – Our childhood favourites…Backstreet’s back ALRIGHT!
  • Nicki Minaj – Another Pink Friday
  • Beyonce – Hopefully not just songs about her child
  • Dido – Do you want depression? Listen to this
  • Cher – One for your Mum’s Christmas list next year
  • Mariah Carey – Didn’t realise she was still alive
  • Paramore – Basically just Hayley
  • Rihanna (probably) – 7 albums since 2005, not bad

Update:

  • Arcade Fire
  • LCD Soundsystem
  • Vampire Weekend
  • Disclosure
  • Metallica
  • Katy B
  • Rudimental
  • Foals

Technology:

I don't get it either

I don’t get it either…

  • The Amazon smartphone – That’s right, rumour has it the freebie will be everything on Amazon.
  • Samsung Galaxy S4 is released with a flexible display, Apple get angry that they didn’t think about that and sue them AGAIN. Then they release the iTV because Samsung do TV’s too.
  • Microsoft Office comes to iOS and Android- So you can type and make Powerpoints on your phone. How handy.
  • iPhone 5S – Anyone who purchased the 4S will realise this is a complete waste of time and merely another money-making ploy by Apple.
  • XBOX 720 – Named the ‘Xbox Infinity’, but also know as the ‘relationship destroyer’, the newest model is due to have the Kinect at the heart of its game modes, have better graphics, play blu-rays and has DVR functionality; a kind of “does-it-all set-top box in your living room”.

Science:

How harmful can it be?

How harmful can it be?

  • We will all see a comet – named Ison this will be a once in a lifetime show as it is expected to be visible to the naked eye, all around the world, for several months in late 2013. Be thankful, it’s taken millions of years out of his life to come visit us.
  • Eclipses – The moon will be blocked, probably by a UFO, in April, May and October (scientifically known as a Lunar eclipse) and on May 10th and November 3rd there will be a solar eclipse. You may find this boring, but we don’t want anyone thinking its the end of the world (again).
  • China set to land on the moon – unmanned so it’s no biggie, we (The West) are still ahead. Felix Baumgartner may cling on and jump… but that’s only speculation.
  • James Cameron makes it to the bottom of the Mariana trench – there has been a ferocious race between the likes of Virgin, Google and some other private companies in order to make it to a place only 3 men have been. The race is to dive 10,994 metres into a gap between tectonic plates in the Pacific Ocean (put simply) and is occurring for reasons including scientific exploration, tourism and a film. Hopefully James won’t use the footage to make Avatar 2.
  • The first wave energy device will be launched in America – it probably won’t work or will just make the pollution situation worse like most things America do. In regards to British energy advancements, work on the largest solar energy plant starts in Ghana. Controversial as it may be, it’s quite pretty.
  • A cure for migraines – Researchers have invented an on-demand patient-controlled stimulator that blocks the headache pain. We are hoping this assists us with the infamous Jagermeister hangover.
  • NASA predicts solar flares – They could kill us all, but everything else can too these days.
  • The weather… the same as 2012 but worse, probably.
  • Hurricane Thomas – the inevitable name of the Hurricane that will, once again, destroy most of America.

Sport:

  • Andy Murray WILL win Wimbledon – They will probably let him win in a bid to prevent the emotional speech.
  • Ten Formula 1 races confirmed for the BBC in 2013 – It seems the nation’s favourite Sunday morning past time (excluding the new series of Fort Boyard) is safe for another year.

Politics:

Kate and Wills Baby

It’s on all our minds…

  • Collapse of the Euro – If you’re going on holiday, avoid Europe (girls, this is a fantastic excuse to suggest Barbados or the Seychelles).
  • Croatia joins the EU – Good excuse for a holiday.
  • Kate and Wills HAVE TWINS – The biggest news of 2012, for both good and bad reasons, was that the royal couple are having a child. I predict it to be ‘children’ because it will be hilarious if its twins and they argue over the Church of England.

 

 

Things that should happen in 2013 (but won’t)

The 'Dream Team' of SUSU

Never had a dream come true…?

  • A new series of Green Wing will be released
  • Paul McCartney will get hit by a bus, finally quit music, and still play at his own funeral
  • 13/13/13
  • S CLUB 7 will fill the Sabb positions
  • Dr Who will be cut
  • Michel Phelps is stripped of all medal achievements because he was successful at a sport
  • Dinosaurs will be found on an island and they will be friendly
  • Portswood gets its own Visa system
  • The cast of Made in Chelsea will get themselves marooned on an isolated island and no one tries to look for them
  • Southampton’s crime rate will fall
  • Exams will become illegal
  • Reunions from B*Witched and A1
  • The Cube will get a revamp and be good
  • Emeli Sande will do no more live performances
  • Harry Potter remakes will start
  • The University will win the lottery and as students we will all get a cut
  • Golddigging Part 4
  • Eastenders will have a happy episode
  • There will be no student housing rush
  • David Cameron and Nick Clegg will give up their positions to Luke O’Brien and Sam Ling
  • An album from Adele – ’22 with 1 child’

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

MAKE 2013 A YEAR TO REMEMBER; IF NOT, THERE’S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR.