A Student’s Guide to GOLD-DIGGING: Part 3

I’m assuming you’ve booked Malia 2014 (#ladsontour style) and St.Lucia with your man. I’m counting down the days till I get my Mircosoft Surface from my devoted father as he’s so proud of these articles. Sorry about the lateness also, I was whisked off to Paris for 4 days FINALLY. Onto the last tips…

Drinks

The look you aim for when a guy is funding your night out

Throughout my time of mild alcoholism I’ve learnt the best ways to rinse men of drinks. First, ensure you are not dressed like a total slut as this isn’t the Mean Girls Christmas Talent Contest. Wear something discrete, great for making you look like an ‘untypical Jesters girl’ rather than someone who will provide a story for Southampton Uni Confessions. Go to the bar and make it look like you are trying to get noticed by bar staff, whilst upholding a ‘small and vulnerable’ look. Guys will think that you need their assistance in your life. Really the only thing you need assistance with is money, your everlasting need to get drunk and to dance to ‘Call Me Maybe’, but they don’t know that. Yet. When they start chatting, smile, don’t be your usual rude and heartless self. If they break away from your gaze, you are well on your way to a free Jesticle (the most important thing here). Next, calculating whether he is ‘the one’: if he hands over a tenner to pay for the drinks with, get his number. If he takes 3 minutes counting out the exact change, grab your drink and leg it before he has even paid. And no, he won’t recognise you later as he will be drinking himself into the ground for losing ‘the potential love of his life’. If he does, denial is best.

If you have a boyfriend and he would prefer you to not take drinks of other men, ask for twenty quid.

Jewellery

Well, personally, I hate jewellery. There’s nothing more impersonal than getting the Pandora bracelet your Mum, Sister and best friend have. But you can always sell it and I do understand that a 16 carat diamond is often the way to a girl’s heart. Go to the jewellery shop and look at rings that are at least £2,500 and blab about how you’d love one when you get engaged. For Christmas, or your half birthday ask for jewellery and that way, you will bag yourself a slightly cheaper (£500-£700) ring as he tries to replicate the expensive one you dream of. Just make sure you don’t wear it so that you can list it as ‘unused’ on eBay and put the profits towards your trip to Kavos.

Handbags

Every girl loves a good handbag. After recently selling my Mulberry handbag (for a profit) that I bought on my fathers Selfridges card (without him knowing- he thought I just got one for my Mum), I am in the perfect position to tell you how to get that dream bag. When you go out/ he takes you shopping, offer to carry his items in your bag. A while later, break your £9 Primark bag and tell him it was his fault for having so many pennies in his wallet. He will feel bad and want to replace it. Simply tell him it was a £170 Ted Baker bag, send him the link and soon enough, you’ll have a brand spanking new designer bag for the price of your Primark one which you’ve had for 3 years and have used 6 times.

If you want to get a new bag but only your father funds your lifestyle, just show him how well you’re doing at university.

Flowers

Flowers are more of a sign of hate for me than love

I sadly have nothing to say on this matter as I have extreme hayfever issues and would rather have the £20.

Daytrips

I am finally off to Hyde Park Winter Wonderland, apparently I’m paying which is unfair and unrealistic. So pull the “I’ve maxed out my overdraft” line. It’s perfect. I can still afford to get a new ball dress and my boob job but I cannot fund anything we do together. Say you’ll pay him back (as if) but obviously don’t. Then you can have fun on the ferris wheel, enjoy warm doughnuts and still afford new Uggs.

So there you have it. Just a quick note to let you know that the best way to continue this vicious cycle, is to never fully say how much you appreciate the gestures that he funds, just say “thanks” and give them a cuddle. This is a perfect way to ensure that for at least the next two years, your man will buy you numerous gifts and pay for everything in order to make you happy. I have previously wormed a hefty allowance and rent out of a significant other, so it all leads to good things. And if you’re thinking that money doesn’t make you happy, then save a tramp (whom has no money) from Portswood highstreet and you’ll experience the same fulfilment in life as me.

I wish you good luck in life whether you are male or female. Guys, remember: if you don’t have the cash, you ain’t getting anywhere (as in you literally won’t get into Jesters cause you cannot pay the entry fee, let alone get a girlfriend). Girls: take this as you please, it has been well worth sacrificing my feelings for money, plus, it’s only a 18 months until I graduate and end up as a Commanding Officer on a Royal Navy Submarine for 12 years. Got to make the most of out it!

And just incase you missed the others…

Part 1

Part 2