Step-by-step guide to the ULTIMATE university experience

With this year’s revelation that Southampton University is now home to a 14 year old, there has been many a deep and meaningful conversation about what actually IS the ultimate student experience. Well ladies and gentlemen, I have done some research (you can thank me later). So follow our step-by-step guide and you can’t go far wrong!

Step 1 – Going Out:

Research has shown that 60% of the time, you’ll have a good night every time. We reckon you should mainly hit up Jesters, because it’s dark, and, let’s be honest, you’re more likely to pull if they can’t see your face. However, a word of caution; this does work both ways – watch out for the women’s rugby team!

It’s also damn cheap, which will help the pocket linings so that you can afford the ultimate student experience of going out every night. It should be the aim of every Southampton student to get the Holy Grail of all membership cards: the Jesters Goldcard. If you get a bit bored, you might also want to dabble with the paint-stripper Sobar ‘vodka’, although it has been proven that the less sticky the floors, the less easy the girls.

Step 2 – Getting Laid:

University is just about the only point in your life when you’ll have no ties and no dependents. Why flutter that time away with silly connotations of love, and ‘the-one’. One of the main aims of any perfect university experience should be to sleep with as many people as possible. Who cares where they have been, so long as it was fun at the time. As they say, long as it’s wrapped, it’s okay to get tapped!

Step 3 – Getting Paid:

You’re probably going to need some cash to fund your new found wonderful life. The best way is to take out an interest free loan with the bank of Mummy and Daddy. If you’re lucky, you probably won’t even have to pay it back. If they refuse you credit, you can always max out your overdraft – nothing like wittering away money that isn’t yours, but feels like it is. Using others’ money so that you don’t have to leave your bed (apart from going to Jesters, or to cook that Sainsbury’s Basics microwave meal) is the epitome of the ultimate university experience.

Step 4 – Scraping By:

Scraping by with 40% is a good sign. It’s an indicator that you’re correctly completing steps 1 and 2.  If this is indeed the case, you probably will be sleeping for most of the day, and going to lectures is a chore too far. I recommend that once you move out of halls, you live nearer to Jesters and Sobar than Hartley; it’s not like you’ll be visiting them much anyway and the Palace of Dreams will only be a short stumble away. Having a degree from a prestigious university such as Southampton means you can easily get a job with a third. Just wing it, and you’ll be living the student dream.

 Have YOU had the ultimate uni experience? Do you think we’ve missed anything off the list? Let us know!