A Student’s Guide to GOLD-DIGGING: Part 2
Uh oh, Lucy Upshall’s back with more expert tips on fleecing blokes.
Well, it seems last week’s part 1 went down… interestingly. And I’m hoping that most of you are well on your way to an allowance or have a new wardrobe!
An update on my own gold-digging situation – I have almost managed to wangle an iPad for Christmas, I am FINALLY going to Hyde Park’s Winter Wonderland and my Dad is paying for my surf trip to Portugal because I told him I missed home. And they said I ‘blatantly’ had never conned a man.
If you, like me, have your parents wrapped around your little finger, get them to discuss with your man what they are going to get you for whatever special time of year it may be e.g. Easter or half birthday. I got Dre Beats, an iPhone, Nike Blazers and Rihanna tickets all because I ensured my mother would volunteer to buy the items and all he would have to do is write a cheque (I have since sold it all and put it towards my Audi). When it comes to his gifts, simply take him on a shopping trip, but only take him somewhere that has double student discount or during the January sales. BARGAIN.
Unfortunately, there are times when you have to ‘contribute’ to his family members presents, solution: simply write your name in the card. Result: they will think you have purchased the item on behalf of your man ‘because you’re a woman’, when in fact you have done nothing and spent absolutely no money (particularly if you use his pen). This also ensures you will get at least one extra present.
Everyone loves a good holiday with their lover, but when it comes down to it, Magaluf with the girls is far more exciting. Suggest you will pay for things when there, whilst he pays for the holiday to ensure you have the full ‘chicken nugget, boozay, durrrty strip’ Maga experience. So book a five-star, all-inclusive trip to Egypt in August. Outcome: you may have to buy a key ring for his sister but ultimately you have only paid 50p for a luxury holiday as it’s too hot to do day-trips, the food is too good to eat elsewhere and the only gifts that will fit in your suitcase are bracelets. If you feel bad, maybe pay for a lilo.
With regard to city breaks, have a dream city destination that changes each week. Chances are you will have at least been to Paris, Madrid, New York, Rio and Moscow by the time you’re 25 (like me). If he says “if I had the money, I would take you to Paris but…” (2012), then maybe rethink your ‘prey’ choice or consider about whipping out ‘I l*ve you’ to guarantee a last-minute get-away to see the Northern Lights whilst staying in the Ice Hotel. If he suggests compromise, i.e Blackpool, tell him you have a fear of the ‘Northern Kind’, you’re not into ‘the poor’ or the only transport that you can use that doesn’t make you travel sick is a plane.
Guys love food, so you’re bound to bag at least a Nandos sooner or later. Call to book the table and because you made such an effort to arrange the date he will pay. If he visits/stays with you, make sure he repays you by doing your food shop, preferably at Waitrose. Not much to ask seeing as you watched him make a meal.
I recommend an older guy whose birthday is after yours (so he cannot compare to what you brought him), has a household income of £65,000+ and who possesses, but is not yet in, his overdraft (I ask to see his bank statement before I get ‘involved’, you don’t want to get the blame for him being homeless in 5 years time cause he spent money he didn’t have on ‘the love of his life’).
All of this pretty much guarantees a deposit for your first house, a Mulberry handbag, that you get a fair payout if it gets ‘that serious’ and a trip to the Maldives once a year. Until next week girls, and guys remember: “She went to the doctor got lypo with yo’ money, she walking round looking like Michael with yo’ money.”
Check out my other articles on how to rinse guys: