SNAILS Demand SUSU Referendum
Warning: this article contains elements of satire.
In the coming term, there’s going to be a din around the upcoming referendum to affiliate with the National Union of Students, but what about the other NUS, National Union of Snails? Soton Tab was invited to speak to snail ambassador Shell McSlime, who is lobbying SUSU for a referendum to affiliate.
Leader and glorious comrade of the National Union of Snails, Shell McSlime looks disdainful as she flexes a quizzical antenna, used to strangle snail injustice many a time before, towards me, as if I’ve just asked an insolent question. “What would Southampton gain from affiliation with us?” she curtly repeats back to me. “Solidarity with a national movement!”
Roaring, she militantly rears her foot towards the sky, presumably in compensation for not owning a hand to throw in to the air, or to jerk herself off to her political ambitions.
Chomping on her third leaf of the day, she sputters through the reasons for a referendum in a carefully considered, rehearsed routine. “Why not? Referendums are valuable and the worst that could happen is that people could say yes.”
She pauses briefly to flick through Militant Snail Weekly to the section on gaining influence in universities. “Besides, snails are yet to have their own SUSU referendum. Unlike the National Union of Students, snails haven’t been voted out by students in the past two years. It’s now our time!”
Nobody really knows why the National Union of Snails exist. Shell McSnail purports that her organisation makes a difference to the lives of snail colonies throughout the country and links them up to a powerful movement of snails.
Critics say that in reality, the Snail Union trudges forward slowly and inefficiently, neglecting the more acute needs of local colonies, taking away their shrubbery and dollar whilst bolstering national campaigns and leaders’ egos. However, membership does come with a free card entitling you to 30% off lettuce.
“Not all the Sabbs have responded to me yet, but I beg them to consider the referendum” Shell insists, coyly shuffling back in to her carapace to stay snug. “If the National Union of Snails do affiliate with SUSU, it’ll be a great vanity project. This kind of unionised environmental action will look great on their CVs and might help them establish a career in the Labour party.”
Only a few of the Sabbs spoke to me, but one SUSU big shot replied incredulously:
l0lWTfROFLhahahahatrololololol. Pay tens of thousands of pounds to have our union encroached by slimy gits? What makes you think I’d entertain an idea like that?!“
The only Sabb to respond was Sasha, declining to give a solid YES or NO opinion and tip-toeing around the subject like a true politician, but insisted that bringing the union of snails to the Uni may be incompatible with SUSU’s latest farcical referendum plan, this time to affiliate with the third NUS, National Union of Salt.
The Tab spoke to a few students about their opinions. One enthusiastic fresher opined:
Snails are threatened with declining habitats and SUSU must stick it to Snailists everywhere by promoting an inclusive attitude which welcomes all living creatures.“
Another fresher, in a midday drunken stupor, told The Tab that he himself was a snail and that he welcomes his new Helix Aspera overlords.
Only time will tell what will become of Shell’s ambitions, but let us know what you think in the poll below: