Why Are The British So Ugly?

The French and Spaniards are hot, and we’re not. May Bulman explains why.

It is something that has come to my attention upon my trips to the continent in the past few years, and I have become increasingly certain that it is true: British people are the least attractive in Europe. Having been to both France and Spain in the past month, the differing levels of attractiveness has become so obvious to me that I have felt the need to figure out the reason behind it- why are British people so ugly?

During my stay in Southeast Spain recently, I was taken aback by the myriad of beautiful people I saw: slender, bronzed bodies with bright and clear complexions everywhere I looked. My journey back from the airport upon arrival back in England was quite the opposite, as I witnessed various forms of over-weight, under-washed, pasty, greasy, spotty beings haul themselves onto the bus. The contrast was painstakingly patent. It’s not to say that there is no such thing as a beautiful Brit, but I do mean it when I say that as a nation we lack the qualities of beauty that our European counterparts have.

These unequal levels of attraction are not simply down to innate looks that have been with us from the beginning of time, and neither is it only a case of difference in climate. No, the British race has not always been this unseemly in comparison to the rest of Europe even with our lack of sunshine. I have come to realize that the increasing ugliness of our nation is greatly down to the lifestyle habits in contemporary Britain. The British way of living today undoubtedly serves to intensify our unsightliness: a fatty, high-sugar diet, an excessive work ethic, and a general lack of respect for our physical condition all amount to a pretty ugly sight. Meanwhile the Spaniards enjoy light and healthy meals and a chilled approach to work- forever considerate of and respectful to their bodies.

Let’s take a closer look: the average British person’s weekday will be a 7 o’clock start- no time for breakfast- straight to work by car or perhaps via stuffy tube train where we are forced into such close proximity of each other that we can taste the bad morning breath of the worker next to us. By 1 o’clock stress and hunger have set in so its time for a MaccyDs lunch break, then straight back to the workplace for another 5 tense hours with frequent cups of coffee to keep the energy levels up, before driving home to a microwave-meal- too tired for proper cooking- sat in front of whatever rubbish is on the TV, where we remain until bedtime. The weekend, of course, is all about getting smashed in order to forget the irksome week of work we’ve just experienced. Where, in that sequence, is there a moment of concern for our physical condition?

In Southeast Spain, by contrast, the morning will entail a trip to the local bakery to buy a batch of fresh croissants, which will be consumed sat at the table with a tea or a coffee, then time to leave for work by foot or if not on one of the airy bus or tram lines. By 2 or 3 o’clock, it is siesta time, whereby all businesses close down, and workers have the opportunity to take a mid-afternoon nap- quite a contrast to the hectic, non-stop working day we have here. The evening is a time where the family will sit down together to a cooked meal…the weekend may also entail the consumption of alcohol, but the intention is not, as it so often is here, to get ‘wasted’; the Spanish are prized on their Tapas, whereby every drink bought is accompanied by a small plate of food, lining the stomach and thus avoiding the drunk and disorderly state that is so common on the streets of Britain.

I have thus come to the conclusion that, while the sun undoubtedly helps with the bronzed skin and healthy complexion, it is our way of living that is really to blame for the general bad looks among Brits. Our appearance as a nation has deteriorated; the employed now work like dogs while the unemployed sit like logs, and in both cases the traditional concept of proper mealtimes and frequent exercise has gone out of the window. It is this neglect of our own bodies that has led to the terrible decline in our demeanor. Shame really.