No Splash No Gash: An Interview With Sobar's Toilet Attendant
We managed to grab an interview with Sobar’s famous matchmaker.
As the long summer evenings approach, the temperatures rise and so does the stench of body odour in our favourite packed out dancefloors. So ladies and gentlemen, regular inhabitants of Sobar, we’ve got a Tab exclusive interview with the man responsible for helping chundergraduates on their way to finding love (or an awkward moment the morning after). You’ll hear him before you see him, as you’re battling your way through the passage or surviving those lethal stairs the calls of “freshen up for the punani” and “wash your fingers or you’ll pull the mingers” will ring out. Here’s an interview with a Southampton legend; ‘Cupid’, Sobar’s toilet attendant. (He has requested he be called ‘Cupid’ for the interview).
In case you don’t know who this guy is, he occupies the gent’s bogs, directing students into cubicles and urinals to go about their business whilst delivering entertaining sales pitches for a range of fragrances and promoting good personal hygiene. We headed down to Sobar to have a chat with the match maker himself, enjoy:
Your lines are pretty popular in Portswood, what are your favourite ones?
It all depends on the situation, I don’t have a favourite, but I have some new ones I’ve been using lately. Like “No Calvin Klein and she declines”. Some bloke walked into the toilets one day and I said ‘You don’t wash it, she won’t nosh it’ and he said “I’m gay” so I said “that’s fine then, no chewing gum, no up the bum”, so in that situation that was the best to use.
If we were going on the pull tonight what would we need to do to freshen up?
You guys are looking fine already but there’s always things you can do. Most guys think it’s all about chat but at the end of the day it’s not. The first thing the girl sees is what you look like and if she likes she comes closer and listens to you. But then she gets all personal and her sense of smell kicks in and she wants to know your neck is smelling good. But if you’re looking good, saying the right things but then smell like shit you’re not going to get anywhere are you?!
You’ve been operating in Sobar for a while, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen happen down in the bogs?
This one guy had a bet with his mate, some stupid bet, and came in the toilet when I was mopping the floor. This guy stuck his whole head in a bucket of dirty water! He must have won the bet.
So what days do you work here?
When there’s action I’m in the middle of it!
Do you work anywhere else other than Sobar?
It’s tricky because all you students are fussy customers but the most demanding place to work is Sobar but it is the best.
Have you ever considered patrolling the gents’ toilets on a Jesters Monday?
Ahh I would never work in Jesters! The toilets are disgusting and there is no order. And there is nothing to manage in there.
Will the prices of lollies be increasing with the rate of inflation?
Probably not. It needs to be kept simple, they are £1. At the end of the day when people are drunk they don’t want to start calculating anything, you know what I mean. I’m going to keep it simple.
Is there anything else you’d like to say your fans?
Wash your fingers or you’ll pull a minger!
A few triples later and a spray of Calvin we returned to the dancefloor, unfortunately there was no 69 that night. Here’s ‘Cupid’ at his best:
Note: The Tab team who conducted this interview were intoxicated at the time.
Drop us a comment below with your favourite toilet lines and lingo!