TOILET POLITICS: Environmental Minister Madness
Southampton students may have to prepare for a drought of common sense, after environmental minister Caroline Spelman urged Briton’s to be thrifty with water consumption and FLUSH THEIR TOILETS WITH […]
Southampton students may have to prepare for a drought of common sense, after environmental minister Caroline Spelman urged Briton’s to be thrifty with water consumption and FLUSH THEIR TOILETS WITH BATH WATER. A cult of students typically found staring intently in to tea dregs in Lattes argued that this was the “best thing for democracy”, whilst critics called it a “very bad day for democracy”. Democracy was unavailable for comment because it was busy somewhere else (the SUSU AGM, perhaps).
Angst and panic have broken out over the UK at the possibility of water restriction. One beleagured citizen ranted about “the cheek of the government”, complaining that he “will have nothing to put in the water filter, the kettle, OR my children’s paddling pool.” After musing on the seriousness of his situation, he compared it to “life in a Third World country.” Wishing only to be identified as “hardworking taxpayer”, he blamed “kids” and “politicans” for his misfortune, before adding that the two were “pretty much the same thing anyway.”
Other critics have noted the absurdity of Spelman’s sneaky suggestions, given the record downfalls this April. Still, the mischievious minister wants everybody to be sensible, plan ahead and be conscious of their resource use. “This madness is getting out of hand”, one concerned mother quipped whilst biting her nails.
The exact details of what this havoc will look like have only been hinted at. However, it’s presumed that Satan is hatching a plan to enter Britain through the proposed standpipes, bringing ebola, blueprints for bin-collection havoc and foreign nationals with him. Satan was unavailable for comment but sent a student to speak on his behalf:
“We should restrict our water consumption because it’s absolutely terrific for democracy and democracy is a cause we can all get behind. People who don’t want to flush their toilets with bath water are obviously fascists or, even worse, uneducated.”
Campus-wide, illiterates have failed to stand up to the task of picking a side in the pending show-down, too busy walking in to lamposts to care. Whilst shovelling pritt-stick and crayons into her mouth, one insolent student asked what the fuss was about and who decided water was on the agenda anyway. Selfishly, she added that it didn’t really matter anyway, as long as she leaves with a degree.