Coursemates: Who's in your lecture?

After spending far too much time in lectures aimlessly gazing around the room paying little attention to what my fees are actually being spent on, I noticed several types of students sharing our mutual boredom. So here’s a collection of lecture theatre stereotypes I’ve spotted over the past few months or so.

The overly keen

This person without fail is always at least 15 minutes early for a lecture, most likely already seated bang in the middle of the front row armed with pre-printed lecture notes and sound knowledge of the next hour’s contents. “Was that further reading you mentioned professor? I’ll be straight in Hartley after”. Any guesses who’s got 40 questions at the end?

We all know a Hermione…

The expert

Why the fuck this person is on the course is beyond me. Apparently they know everything already whilst unfortunately making everyone else in the room well aware of their ‘supreme’ knowledge. They are normally found asking several questions mid-lecture or seminar but including their answer within, seeking confirmation that they were right (of course) all along. If you have the misfortune to share a lecture with them, politely ask them to shut the fuck up to gain instant popularity amongst your coursemates.

The late comer

Frowned upon by the overly keen, this guy (unfortunately they seem to be) is late to EVERY form of contact hour teaching. Yes its 9am, that’s totally allowed, well done for even turning up but anything after 1pm is debateable. This guy is so used to striding up to the back in search of an empty seat he’s not even fazed anymore by the 300 pairs of eyes burning at him.

The failed Oxbridge applicant

This person is only at Southampton because “it was the next closest thing”. They were so adamant they’d be at Oxbridge that their second choice of Southampton would be totally redundant, oh wait what’s that, you missed an A* by one mark? I don’t care. They will normally tell you all about the selection process and the mammoth amount of A Levels they have, which actually don’t mean anything here. You’re at Southampton, deal with it and you might even enjoy it.

Field trip to Specsavers anyone?

The laptop wanker

These students are found smugly looking around the room at the normal, sensible people who prefer writing with a simple pen and notepad. I have no idea why anyone needs a secondary screen; if they can’t see the big projected slide at the front then they need a visit to Specsavers. And as if they actually do work on it anyway, anyone who can’t survive an hour without checking facebook needs to be sectioned.

The potential paedophile

This guy, not so much girl, sits alone at the back in the corner with an uninviting atmosphere surrounding them. They emit creepy grunts occasionally and seem quite happy that nobody has chosen to sit near them. You’ll probably hear about them getting their name on some sort of register in the future.

Somebody had a good night in Jesters

The hungover mob

Usually found in a small group occupying an entire row, they irritate the shit out of those in the vicinity with tales of the previous night’s endeavours and who woke up in whose bed. You can normally smell the vodka and indignity and there’s no attempt to hide it.

Next time you’re in that boring lecture looking for a distraction from the bearded bloke at the front, have a look around and see who you can recognise. Comment below if I’ve missed any.