Crunk Juce BANNED

Stock up as quickly as possible – THE END IS NIGH

The lethal beverage that fuels YOUR nights out in Southampton is to disappear from off-licences from the end of March, The Tab can reveal.

Alcohol sales watchdog the Portman Group ordered the ban on 19 January in response to complaints from a member of the public and from the Safer Portsmouth Partnership, a crime-prevention forum from the wrong side of the river.

The Portman Group concluded that

the alcoholic nature of the product was not communicated clearly on the packaging [and] encouraged irresponsible or immoderate consumption

concerned firstly that the energy-drink-style can is targeted at teens, and secondly that Crunk is just too damn strong at 8.4 units per can.

Greenwood’s, the shop in High Road beloved of Monte’s freshers, confirmed the Portman Group’s ruling that from 31  March retailers will be prohibited from placing orders for Crunk Juce—though in good news for Southampton’s wasters, the offies will still be able to sell off all stock acquired before that date.  With only a week to go until the deadline, the official position of the Soton Tab is to get your panic buy on, if you haven’t already gone home for Easter.

Fortunately, the ban does not affect the similar concoctions which gained currency after Crunk Juce went viral, such as Four Loko and the cheap ‘n’ dirty Dragon Soop.

For those of you reading from under a rock, Crunk Juce is a ‘canned malt beverage’ in grape, watermelon and fruit punch flavours.   Imported from America, it became popular in Southampton last April, when Solent students staged a hedonistic Royal Wedding street party in the Polygon.  With Champagne Charley’s of Bedford Place and Portswood being one of the few UK suppliers, Crunk has since become the stuff of local legend in this fairest of cities.

At 12% ABV, and canned by the pint, it combines the fruity body of red wine with the chemistry-lab sting of a can of cheap energy drink.  Accompanied by light notes of herbal high and synthetic flavourings, which take pride of place on the label, Crunk is a fine complement for your Chick-o-Land (Extra) or KFC Portswood evening meal.

Crunk Juce is based on the cocktail Crunk Juice (with an i), supposedly invented by Deep South rapper Lil Jon in 2004.  It is a mixture of Red Bull and high-class Hennessy cognac (the stuff Kim Jong-Il spent $700k a year on).

‘Crunk’ itself is a 1990s rap genre which was largely fuelled by ‘sizzurp’, a potent mixture of codeine cough syrup and caffeinated energy drink.  Now that sounds like a night out. Stock up as quickly as possible – THE END IS NIGH Stock up as quickly as possible – THE END IS NIGH