SCUMMY SOTON: Driver Held at Knifepoint by Soton Hijacker

Bret Ware brings you more worrying tales from the mean streets of our fair city.

Welcome to another Soton Tab scummy special. As reported by us last week, Portswood certainly has its own worries, but the madness doesn’t stop here in our strange, student-riddled suburb. Indeed, this round up of last week’s crazy stories is guaranteed to make you scratch your head and think, ‘Why didn’t I just apply to Bath?’


Driver Held at Knifepoint by Soton Hijacker

This is truly terrifying stuff. A driver passing through Millbrook, a suburb in Southampton, was flagged down by a seemingly innocuous hitchhiker before the man jumped in the back and held a knife to the victim’s throat, urging him to “Drive”.

The driver’s panic stricken wife and daughter ran screaming from the car, pleading for help as the attacker pressed his knife to the victim’s throat.

The hijacker moved into the passenger seat of the car while they waited for a man to cross the road ahead of them, as if they had suspended the ordeal in lieu of a cartoon-style elevator journey. The attacker fled the victim’s car a mile or so down the road, leaving the poor driver in his Renault Laguna reeling in a state of shock and bewilderment.

Police speculate that the hijacker had neglected to hold the Y button down, prompting a reaffirmation from the Hampshire Police Force over a recently issued statement. It urged Rockstar to make sure GTA:V doesn’t suffer from the same messy controller configuration as the one preceding it, citing an increase in recent years of accidental carjacking.

Hobbit Pub Urged to Rebrand

The infamous Lord of the Rings themed pub has recently faced threats from Saul Zaentz, an ugly bastard who throws his money at movies and lawyers at decent people.

Throwing a tantrum over copyrights, Zaentz has ordered the Hobbit pub to remove all the Tolkien-related memorabilia, LOTR-themed cocktails and even the beautifully painted murals in the pub’s garden.

Rumours have it that the current Gollum mural will be replaced with a painting of Sauron wanking out money from his tiny cock onto his lawyers, themselves greedily lapping up the green stuff as they force a pub that has been going longer than Zaentz has owned the copyrights to give up itself up as tribute to one of the world’s greatest fantasy writers.

The legal move has incited a great reaction, from a Facebook group entitledSave the Hobbit, Southampton to a reassuring tweet from Stephen Fry. Here’s what he had to say:

Honestly, @savethehobbit, sometimes I’m ashamed of the business I’m in. What pointless, self-defeating bullying.

Here’s hoping (rather ambitiously) that Stephen Fry will help with the pub’s solicitor costs. Read the full story here.

Thugs Wrench Crossing Barriers Open

A bunch of as yet unidentified men have forced a set of crossing barriers open, an irresponsible attack on council property that could have caused ‘catastrophic’ serious injury to motorists unaware that the barriers were out of action.

The British Transport Police also wished to avoid copyright infringement from the owners and producers of the now cult movie Inception‘.

If a train passing through the crossing had hit a car it may have prompted legal moves; the potential incident would have been similar to a scene whereby DiCaprio’s stony character Cobb is violently hit by a train while driving down a road in a collective dream sequence set in New York. Lawyers are saddling up and studying the case anyway, citing ‘theoretical potentiality of infringement’ as another way to fill their coffers with gold.

That’s it for this week’s round up. Check back again in some indeterminate time in the future for more Scummy Soton.